Keep Me Sane

Here lies the truth.

Sometimes, I'm afraid if being myself is worth it. If being this person I seem to disgust so much, is that even worth losing people over? I know that if people can't accept me for who I am it's better that they leave. Like I have said before though, I am overly clingy, and I'm afraid to lose you. I'm afraid to lose all that time I've spent getting to know someone, learning to accept them for every part of who they are, only to find them leaving me because they can't do the same. It scares me to think that a person who meant so much to me would end up leaving. I make it hard on purpose, so that I don't just give away everything I am to people who should not be allowed to know me.
-I'm afraid to be vulnerable

I am afraid. I'm afraid that our friendship will never mean as much as it does to me. Friendship to me is the same as loving another person unconditionally. That feeling of wanting to be by your side, and the relief that comes when it finally happens. I'm always just waiting to be with you, and talk with you, and let you know how much I care because you are my friend. I'm always needing you to be right there. You occupy my mind all throughout the day. How are you I wonder. Because you are my friend I will always be there for you the best that I can, so that you know that you have somebody, so you know that I am here for you always. I promise I'll protect you, and try to keep all the bad things away from you. I'm afraid that I am too much. That fear holds me back, it stops me from smothering you. I don't want to loose you to my faults and flaws. So many have left me and I have disappeared on so many because of this fear. This fear of myself.
-I don't know how to love anyone because I don't know how to love myself

I spent so much time blaming you and getting angry at you because it was the only way I could confide in you to vent my stress. I hurt you, so that I could heal myself. I will never do that to anyone ever again. Every single day I regret it, so I promised to myself that I'd never forget.
-I'm still sorry

I want to stop picking every little single thing apart. I want to stop thinking so intensely about this, but if I put the cup down then I'll no longer be myself. Feelings inside of me are trapped, so buried that I don't even know what it's like to cry anymore, if I can't feel anything then I'm not myself. That's who I am. I'm a person who's honest with their feelings, someone who understands them, but lately I haven't been that person. I haven't been that person for a long, long time. I feel trapped, I feel lost, I need someone to remind me who I am. I need people, I need friends I can trust, I desperately need someone to help me despite the fact that I try so hard not to need anyone. It's ironic. I've shut down all the screaming for help in my head, I've told myself that I don't need anyone, and I've framed everyone a monster. Sometimes it feels like I'm the monster, or maybe the monster is inside of me. I don't really know which is which anymore. I so badly want to believe I'm a good person, but sometimes I just don't know. Maybe I'm here asking you to justify my actions because I can't do it for myself anymore, or maybe I'm asking you to believe in me because I can't believe in myself anymore. I don't know who I am anymore, maybe I've never known from the beginning. Maybe I've been twisting up all kinds of lies in my head, maybe this reality I believe in isn't reality at all, but a sick fantasy I've created to fit my self-sacrificing, depressed, victimized personality. Maybe I'm just as bad as I think I am and maybe you're here to tell me I'm not, to convince me that I'm a good person. Maybe just maybe I need you to tell me I'm wrong. Tell me that it's okay. Tell me that I'm not crazy or going insane. Maybe I just need someone to listen to me. Maybe I just need someone to understand me. That's what I thought, that's what I still think, but somewhere in me that dream has faded. I don't know if I want that. Maybe I just want to be trapped forever. Maybe I just want to be punished because it's what I think I deserve. Maybe I don't know any better. Maybe I'm just like this. Maybe people like me don't get better. Maybe this will always be my life and nothing will change because I don't want it to.
-I don't know how to get better

I still can't forgive myself even after all this time; It seems like I'll forever blame myself.