Free (Maze Runner fanfic Newtmas Newt x Thomas)

Chapter 33

Newt eventually grew comfortable around his counsellor, which meant sometimes he'd burst into tears, but he never told Thomas that. Feelings for Thomas that he had years ago had been emerging, but he didn't tell Thomas that. All his doubts, his reasoning, he didn't tell Thomas any of them.

Sometimes he wondered if he was keeping too much from Thomas, he never mentioned a thing about the counsellor to him. It wasn't particularly awkward, Thomas probably didn't think about it, but Newt did. He asked the counsellor's opinion and she said to only say what he felt comfortable mentioning and if that was nothing, then it was natural not to tell him.

Newt wanted to try and slide it into a casual conversation, but he hadn't really thought through what would be easiest to say. Surely he should say something, right? "Hey Tommy." He greeted when Thomas got back from work, once again snatching him before he could get a shirt on. "Really?"

"You have a really soft chest."

"It's all lumpy from blisters."

"Not that much. Makes you more you." Thomas kissed his neck and Newt shivered. "And I love you."

"You're so cheesy right now." Newt pulled away to put on his top, but when Thomas hugged him again he just looped his hands underneath it so he could still feel his skin. "I want to talk to you anyway."

"Hm? What about?"

"I feel bad not telling you anything about what I tell Jane." Jane was the counsellor's name. "I just.. feel so secretive."

"Well I don't mind. Sure, sometimes I'm curious, but if you're not comfortable telling me anything then that's okay."

"Well there's stuff I want you to know."

"So tell me, then." Newt hesitated again. "Whenever you want." Newt again pulled himself away and pulled Thomas by the wrist to bed. "Is it serious?"

"I mean.. sorta? She asked if I wanted to try and get a diagnosis of something. We started doing something in my third week of seeing her, and over the past couple months that's what they've been doing and nobody knows I have it except the teachers, but I felt you should know too."

"Alright..? What have you got?"

"I guess it's probably obvious, but they say I've got post traumatic stress disorder."

Thomas paused. "Yeah I guess that is predictable. Anything drastic going to happen? Are you feeling okay about it? Anything I can do?"

Newt smiled at the fuss. "I mean I'm going to be taking what is essentially anti depressants, and continue seeing Jane weekly of course, but nothing.. well, not a whole lot is changing."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not myself, am I? They said one thing about people with ptsd is that some of them can suffer a change in personality, or like an.. out of body experience? They said if I'd had one then I'd know what it meant so I guess I haven't, but I don't feel like myself at all. I'm not supposed to be this weird, depressed, emotional wreck, I'm.. what am I?"

"Sarcastic, funny, loveable, amazing, good at faking confidence and strength, and very cute, but I don't think that's changed." Thomas kissed the side of his head to try and cheer him up.

"See? I'm not any of those anymore, Minho and the others all know something's up. They never did before."

"There's nothing wrong with being a little vulnerable; like Chuck!"

"There's everything wrong with being vulnerable! That kid had so much strength inside him and he obviously showed it, saving you." Thomas shivered at the memory, feeling a lump in his throat. "Right now I have nothing inside. I just hope these tablets get rid of that. Apparently I'm pretty lucky to not suffer from nightmares or flashbacks, but I dream of the glade all the time, just nothing bad happens in them."