Just a place to be

i can't go back

if you don't know my mother and father had a fight and he threw her down the stairs. she filed a restraining order. but you see my mom is clearly not thinking right now because during the restraining order she let my father into the house[she could get arrested for that] and i saw him and had a panic attack so i called my friend and she took me over to her house and i was shaking and said i couldn't forgive my mom or go back. I've been staying at my friends house for a while now and dfs was called and my mother said that she was forcing me back home and didn't care if i was happy or not so i was crying a lot and she threatened to take me away from my friends. you see my father is bipolar so he gets mad and changes mood easily and has a lot of psychotic episodes where he hits anything in his way[its mostly my mom] and some nights he comes home drunk and hits my mother while I'm having a panic attack in my room. one time[my 7th birthday party] i was wearing clothes that didn't fit[since we didn't have much income] and he yells at my mom saying "you're dressing our daughter up as a whore?" and he kept screaming at her. another time my mother and i were cooking dinner and she asked him what he wanted and he got mad at her and said "i can decide for myself" and she was about to say something but he started throwing things like potatoes and pots and pans and boiling water and sometimes knives but they barely hit her most of the things hit me instead. there were times when he would bring women home and he told me to not tell my mother but i did and she caught him cheating many times. another time my brother had friends over and one of them wanted to go home but instead of saying that he said "i don't want to be here because they bully me" and to make things worse he said this to my dad and my dad called my brother downstairs and my dad starts yelling at my brother about how terrible he is[even though he's really nice] and my brother gets upset and mad so he finally stands up to my dad and lays a couple of punches but then my dad gets up and starts punching my brother but worse. he almost breaks my brothers nose and he kept holding my brothers neck really tight and just kept punching him until my brother had blood all over his face. my mom[she had some part she always does] you know what she says? she says that he was acting quite terrible and that he deserved the beating. another time i was getting bullied and my dad starts yelling at me about how its my fault and that I'm useless and probably deserved it and he yelled at me for an hour[i hate yelling so I'm having a panic attack right] and i almost pass out and at the end of it all and he whispers[not low enough because i can hear him still] "i wish someone would just kill that kid" and he said that i could die for all he cares. another time my brother wanted me to play a video game with him[because our parents ignore and neglect him] so i said yeah hold on and i went to play video games with him. an hour had passed and my brother and i were laughing and having fun and then my dad calls me downstairs and he says "look at this mess your dog made" and i started picking it up and everything and he tried to help but since i like to do things on my own i told him i didn't need help and then he started yelling saying he wanted to be nice and help since it was my mess and he started talking about how ungrateful i was being and started yelling at me wishing i was never born and that he was glad he didn't see me being born and how glad that he was never there for anything important in my life and i immediately start yelling back at him if he didn't want kids maybe he shouldn't have done it in the first place and then he stops yelling and just says I'm useless and walks out of the room. my mom came into the room later while i was still crying and she said "you know he's right. i mean you did have an attitude towards him" and then she left. another time we were getting coats and boots for my volunteer work because at the time it was cold. so were in the isle at Walmart finding a coat and boots when someone tries to take my moms purse and my dad gets angry saying "you should watch your things more. if it wasn't for me you would've been robbed. you should never leave your purse open and unattended" yeah well the zipper on her purse wouldn't allow her to close it so thats why it was open and it was unattended because she was talking to me and my dad said "i wish you guys wouldn't embarrass me in front of strangers" and we walked to the self checkout and we were putting the coat into a small bag because we didn't see bigger ones and he gets mad and says "see you always seem to embarrass me. you ungrateful pieces of shit" and then the lady that worked there handed us a bigger bag and we put the coats and boots in. the whole car ride he kept saying how we always make him look like an ass and how he wanted to kill us and then himself and he kept screaming about how he hated us and i was extremely tense and crying the whole time and then he looked at me and said "i hate you the most" and then he kept saying how he wanted to die on christmas[at the time it was the last week in november]. another time we were going to my brothers soccer game and my mother kept messing up the directions[like a normal human being would. i mean come on its human nature] and he kept screaming at her and was threatening to hit her. another time she forgot to do the laundry[again basic human thing] and he got so mad he went to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest sharpest knife we had and was threatening to cut her. also another time they were moving a chair in their room and it got stuck and he got mad and threw the chair at her and it hit her eye. the next morning she woke me up for school and i asked about what happened to her eye and she said she fell but i didn't believe her and i asked if that was the truth and she said no and that he threw a chair at her. another time she came home with a bruise on her face and i asked how she got it and she said that she messed the directions up again and before she could protect her face he hit her. and another time we were painting my room and he had been nice to all of us the whole day but then he went to a friends place while we stayed home and then he came home drunk and was fighting with her and saying she was a whore so she punched his nose[he claims she broke it] and then she took the dog and i and left. it was a sunday so we went up to her work for a while but when she was driving i asked if we were actually going to her work but she said that we were stopping at beth's work[she's a family friend] and we had a talk with beth and she said that we shouldn't go back and told them that i was scared to go home after school everyday and i started crying and then all of us were crying and then we went up to my moms work and dogs weren't allowed so i stayed with the dog in the kitchen and the dog kept winning and was really worried and then my mom came into the kitchen and talked to me about how my dad had texted her saying he would change as in no more alcohol or weed but two weeks later he went back to the way he was except he was worse and he pushed her down the stairs, slashed her car tires,smashed her phone, and then locked her out of the house. she got mad so she smashed the back door window and her hand was bleeding and he had glass in his eye. she filed a restraining order and we stayed at my friends house. she went back to the house[we all did] after the locks were changed. but he kept calling the house phone and kept calling and texting all of our phones. she let him into the house one day and went over to a friends house. she keeps saying how he's on new meds he's calm and he's changed and that she wants me back home but i started yelling at her saying i will never go back and he will never be my father agin i will not forgive him. she argued back saying i didn't have a choice i should stop acting like an adult and how I'm acting like my father right now[i would never abuse a person just because they didn't do what i wanted] and she kept saying that i was the one who needed help and that i needed to see a therapist. i said I'm not going back. i can't go back. and so she said that she'll give me time but like it or not I'm gong to have to go back. when she took me to horses yesterday she said she's forcing me back this friday because dfs was called. she said that i was going back and that it didn't matter if i was happy there or not. she would force me to go back even if it wasn't my decision. she didn't listen and the whole car ride to the horse place and back i violently but silently cried because of course her making me go back didn't make me happy. i was happy at my friends house but she only wants whats best for her. and if you talk to her about it she's obviously going to deny it because she wants to go back to him. even if i won't be mentally or physically happy and healthy. my brother is starting to believe that my dad has changed. and i don't like that idea at all