Just a place to be

Update

I guess I haven't really been on here in a long time. It's not like anyone really reads these anyways but I guess it helps me somewhat. Well anyways, in February of last year, my parents had this huge blowout. My mother was pushed downstairs by my father and from there they tried to choke each other out. My mother left the house while my father locked the door. She forgot something inside so she tried to get in. She got pissed that it was locked and I guess she didn't like his taunting look he was giving, idk. She broke the glass door with her hand and the glass shattered into his eye causing him to go blind. After that she left to go to my friends house where I was. This was at about 4 in the morning on a Sunday. After this incident I decided to stay at a friends house. I ended up staying for 2 months and then decided it was time to call child services to fill them in on how my brother and I have been treated by our father. They worked things out for a bit and my friends mom got protective custody of us for less than a day. My parents then got us back. My mother picked us up from the family services building and took us home. On the way there I was crying really hard and when we got there I was in a state of panic. Hearing my father didn't help. As soon as I walked into the house he started screaming at me telling me I can't see my friends. He then proceeded to grab my phone and smashed it in front of me. He told me I can only leave the house when I'm with him or my mother and that I'm supposed to move my stuff to the upstairs bedroom(which is right across from my parents room) so he could keep a better eye on me. I panicked even more and started to bite myself. I bit so hard that I was bleeding and had bruises on my arms. My mother told me that that was a bad thing to do and she took me upstairs while they moved my stuff. She left me alone for a little while. During this time my father had told me that he wouldn't care if I jumped out of the second story window. I thought about it(I'll be honest with you there) I thought about that for so long and then I saw the broken glass by the window( my brother broke that window earlier). I took a shard and started to cut a little deeper than I normally do. My mother came up and started freaking out. My father told her to take me to a mental hospital. I knew he didn't care if I stayed there or not. Well we went and I sat on a bed in the hallway for a few hours listening to the other mentally ill patients before I finally got a room. It was another hour or so before a psychiatrist came into the room. She asked me a few things before she gave me an option of having therapy in a mental hospital or just a group kind of therapy and I would get to stay at home. I chose the second one. Therapy began a week later and I was very anxious about it since my mother would have to leave me alone for a few hours. The people there were nice and the hospital gave us great food. Some days weren't so great though. At this time I was still at my friends house and my mother was trying to force me home so every day I had therapy, she drove me there while she yelled at me. Most therapy days I came in crying and I would always say that I had a bad day with my mother again. Parents had to have their own therapy group thing there too. The first time my mother went she said I was already better. Lies. After therapy was over for good I felt I needed more help but I don't want to be annoying and say something like I always had. My days were spent in my room until this one time I was called down because there were cops at the door. My father asked me in a mean tone if I had done something again. They just wanted to talk about my grandpa since someone called in worried about that. I talked with them and told them everything and I was sent back in to my house while my mother talked to the cops. I got inside and my father had whispered to me saying "because of this you aren't getting lunch today." Idk he does those things. My mother found out because I was crying in my room about it. She gave me some food to eat without him knowing. After that he had a fight with her again. A restraining order was put against him and I stayed at the house for a week. He came back though and my mother let him in. I had a panic attack and called my friend asking to be picked up. I stayed at her house for another 2 months+ my phone had broken and my mother took me out to get it fixed. The people at the store told us we had to go to this other place to get it fixed. She took me to the house instead saying that he just wanted to say hi. I said that I would rather jump out of the car than see him. It was already too late. We were in the driveway. Another panic attack. She went inside. I heard them yelling. He didn't want a terrorist in his house. My mother thought it would be good if I just came in and said hi. I didn't want to be near that man ever. I held onto the door tight. She kept trying to unlock it. He was screaming again about how I shouldn't depend on them anymore and that I should go up to Minnesota with my grandparents. I didn't want to leave. My mother told me if I calmed down that I could go back to my friends house. I calmed down and I went back. My mother had said that I was going to Minnesota and that I had to pack my things. My uncle came down and took me up to Minnesota. I didn't talk the whole 8 hours there. I was depressed all the way into September of last year. My cousins were excited that I was going to school with them. I wasn't thrilled. I feel like everyone only talks to me because I'm their cousin. I was happy for them but sad when the night came. I missed my friends. My father had cracked my mother's rib. She filed a divorce and he went to jail for domestic violence. He went on parole for three days then went back to jail for stalking my mother. He keeps sending her letters even though there's a protection order. He's sent 36 of them so far. It's a violation of the order but they keep coming in. The letters include death threats to me and my family. My mother's through. We all are. The divorce can only be removed by the courts now. It's official. I can finally breathe. I'm coming back down in May so hopefully things will be better by then. People up here don't really care about me. They pretend to but they talk behind my back. It's a small town where I am and things come around so I know. My own family does this though. They've forgotten me places and when I call them asking if they could pick me up they act like I'm a nuisance to them and that I just don't matter. I felt that way for a while. My depression faded away after I visited my friends over winter break. Seeing them made me extremely happy. I missed them so much. Today I drove back up to Minnesota so I could finish off my school year. I also got my permit a few months ago. That made me happy that I could at least accomplish something. I don't care where the rest of the school year leads me since I'm coming back to Missouri