The Depths of Emotion

Defeated

What makes sense?

That's the real question I've been asking myself as of late. Having things make sense is important, but nothing really seems to make sense in this world. It's all a bunch of garbage that sits and rots. I didn't want to take out my trash, so now I'm stuck here, sifting for what I have left.

Nothing does in my mind.

These days, it's impossible for me to separate the past from the present. It's all molding together and I can't figure out exactly what went wrong, but I know what started it. All of the confusion started when I left my home. I don't know why I left. I thought I would be happy, but I'm not.

People can be so dense.

One thing I've come to realize, is that people are ignorant. Not stupid, but ignorant. I can't decide which is worse, to be stupid, or to be ignorant? I've looked up the definitions a thousand times to try to understand. I guess if a person is ignorant, then it's not their fault that they don't understand a situation. If a person is stupid and has been told something a million times and has never learned it, then I don't think it's that person's fault either. So who is at fault? If it's not the stupid person and not the ignorant person, then is it me?

Maybe they're all blind.

I can't blame a blind person for not seeing what's in front of them. So, I can't blame a person who thinks slowly, or who hasn't experienced my situation. They all think I'm a stupid, homeless boy, who doesn't know what he's doing. I'm not, though. I've been kicked out of my home and instead of bothering a friend for help, I decided to try to fend for myself.

Without an education, it's very difficult. I'm stuck in the rut between childhood and adulthood. It's not okay for me to be stuck, so I'm trying with all my power to be smart about my situation because I am a smart person. It just took me about a month to realize that I need a real home. I can't stay in these Christian shelters for much longer.

When people look at where I live, they assume I'm a bad person who was put there. I'm not a bad person, I just have bad parents and a bad family. I believe this can all change someday once I meet the right person, at the right time.

Jump the fence,

There's a border that people see when it comes to helping a person. They've been raised to believe that a homeless person can be dangerous. I'm not dangerous. I just want a bed and a nice meal. I can't remember the last time I had a nice meal. Probably the last time I stole one of my parents cigarettes.

Be kind,

I want to believe that people are kind, and caring, and loving. I really do, but from what I've seen, people aren't kind. They shove me away like I'm a rat.

Do I look like a rat? Do I seem disgusting? I don't think so, but others do apparently.

My hair is cut nice, I still wear nice clothing, and I'm a talkative person who cares about others. So why am I being treated like scum?

Show less suspense,

Sometimes, there are people who show that they care. They try to help me and I become thankful, but then they change their mind. It creates such a suspense that my stomach flips when they decide not to help me. I'm getting to the point we're I can see it when it's coming. That way, I won't be hurt by people anymore.

And unwind.

People need to unwind the gears rotating in their minds and show the kindness that I believe that gave. Right now, their thinking process is tangled up between what they were raised to think and what they feel. I know they feel as if they should help me, but they won't help me.