The Depths of Emotion

Dissipate

I keep losing grip of my emotions 

The fire builds up inside of me on a daily basis. It tries to escape my body and attack the predators. Ever since my mother's death, I've had a low tolerance for bullshit. I've had a low tolerance for just about anything. If someone says something I don't like, there's a burning inside of me that rises up and tries to burn him. I want to scar him the way way I've been scarred. It's not fair that I'm the only one who has to suffer this way. Nothing is fair anymore.

One minute

They say she died from suffocation in her sleep. That she died quickly without any pain. I don't believe that for a moment. First of all, if she was suffocated then she went through some type of suffering. That had to hurt, right? I can't imagine not being able to breath and have my air supply cut off from me. I don't want to imagine it, but I think about her death every single night. It's only been two weeks and the pain is becoming unbearable.

I have emotions

There are times when she is all I can think about. She was my only friend and the only person who was really there for me. My mother supported every move I made and scolded me when I did something wrong. There was no question of right or wrong in my house. Now I question everything because I no longer have my guardian angel to guide me through life.

Then I feel emotionless

There are other times when I feel nothing. I'll just be staring at my friends during dance practice and zone off into space. I'll be somewhere far away from my friends in the land of nowhere, thinking about one thing. I've become obsessed with fire. I'm hungry for it and I want to see it up close again so that I can fight it and tell it to stay away from my mother. I blame the fire for her loss, not her, not the cigarette, but the fire.

Like I am just a stone

There's a friend that I have that I considered to be a brother once, but after my mother died, he started avoiding me like the plague. He wouldn't say hello to me and he would watch me as I stared at the group. That's all he would do. He didn't help me and that's why I'm by myself. I'm a stone that was kicked off the path away from the rest of the stones. Now that my best friend walked away from me, now that my mother died, I'm alone.

My head spins when it happens

When I think about the fire, I remember the pain of trying to save her. I remember feeling helpless. Now I feel even more helpless because I can't help myself. I've got myself mentally stuck in a bad place and I don't know how to get out. I'm sure if I told somebody, I would feel better. I don't want to tell anybody, though. The only two people I would tell are gone and have given up on me.
 
My head hurts

I haven't forgotten about her and I never will. Especially since she left me alone. There's nobody to take care of me. I'm an adult, but I don't feel like one because I can't take care of myself. I need help. I need guidance. Now that my guardian angel is gone, my friends won't talk to me and I don't know who to ask for help. I'm scared and it come to the point where I want to stop trying.

My whole body shakes

I can't dance or make any more music. My tongue gets twisted when I try to practice my rap. The fear that my time of success is coming to an end grips my heart and drags me down. It shakes me around and around until I need to lay down and try to forget about the day, but I can't sleep. It's too hard to sleep.

I want to scream

Screaming for help is just admitting that I'm weak. My mother always told me that to be strong is to fight it on my own, but it's okay to let yourself be weak and ask for help. I just can't ask for too much help because then, I'll be a burden. My problems are too big to be helped. I only see one solution to all of my problems.

But nothing comes out

I have a solution, but I'm too afraid to commit to it. I keep trying to select a date and time. I keep trying to tell my friends goodbye, but it's too difficult. I'm scared. I'm so afraid to do anything without my mother telling me I'm doing a good job.

Today, I'm going to overcome my fear. I'm going to get over it. I already told Jungkook goodbye. He was confused about what I was saying. Then, he slapped me once he figured it out. I punched him back and we got into a pretty big fight. It was bad and I didn't like any of it.

He's the reason why I'm doing it tonight. He made me realize I don't have anyone anymore. I just have myself.

I just shut down

I have accepted my fate, but I have not accepted my mother's death. Before I die, I want her to know that it's okay that she left me. I want her to know that I'm not upset with her. I think it's important that she knows, that is, if she can hear me.

I have ruined relationships

The fight with Jungkook was the end. I don't want to feel anymore pain. I want to shut down and black out. I want to see my mother again and tell her everything that has happened.

Will she even remember me when I meet her in heaven? What if I don't go to heaven and all of this will be for nothing? I don't want to burn in a never ending fire. It's too scary to think about.

Please help me

God, this is your last chance, show me that someone cares, or else I'm going to do it. If you don't show me, then I promise I will end all of the pain right now in this hotel. It'll be all over and I'll be happy, right?

I'm losing grip of my emotions

I'm lost myself. I can't hold in the anger I feel anymore. I have one last question to ask and it's to the person who I believed to be my best friend.

Do you miss me now, Jungkook?

The person you once knew,

Yoongi.