The Depths of Emotion

Drowning

I have let my inner demons

The demons are back to haunt me. They're attacking me everywhere I go. There's no way to stop them or control them. I'm stuck in a never ending world of nagging, listening, and praying for something better. But nothing gets better. Everything is a waste of time. Demons will keep following me wherever I go, so what's the use in escape? I'm too bitter to let them kill me. It's a war to see who will die first.

And hopelessness out

What is hope anyways? It seems to be this fairytale that parents tell their children so that they have dreams. My parents didn't tell me to have a hope as a child. They told me to survive. It's all about survival of the fittest anyway; might as well show that I'm the weakest one out here.

Where is here? It's called Earth, but in actuality, it's purgatory. It's that place you go to before going to heaven or hell. Purgatory is where people are judged for all the crimes they did while they were living. Well, I believe we're being judged right now. Why should God, or Jesus, or whoever judges us, wait for us to die? It can be done while we're living.

I imagine this: Jesus sits on his little pedestal and stares at us all from heaven. He watches a man rape a woman and then shakes his head and writes a note down on his clipboard. "Bad news, Johnny, you're one step closer to hell than you were before," he says.

How close am I to hell? Probably a lot closer since I let hope out of my life.

And it has become a monster in my head.

Everyday, when I wake up, I stare out the window and think about my life and how shitty it all is. No family, no friends, no job, and no home. In my mind, I need at least three of those things on that list. A job would be nice, but I guess it's not a necessity. I've had family, I've had friends, and I've had homes. Now, they're all gone with my hope and have been replaced by demons. I want them all back so badly, but I feel as if it's impossible to get them back because my hope is gone.

I have made a pool for myself

I know I did this all to myself. It was like a row of dominos just fell on top of each other. I lost everything all at once. Now, I'm stuck in this ditch with no way out. I'm swimming, looking for something, but this area of the ocean is bottomless. There is nothing to be seen, or found in the bottomless pool of self regret and loneliness.

And jumped in

I willingly allowed this to happen. It all started when I told my friend Hoseok to keep his mouth shut. My parents . . . they were abusing me and I didn't want anyone to know. It was just a little mental abuse, nothing too extreme. I didn't realize until now how extreme that abuse really was.

And am drowning.

I've fallen ill to the mental abuse. It's caged me into this box where I believe everything people say is true. Hoseok tried to help me out of the box. He tried to save me from the closed mindedness, but there was no saving, not for me. I was stuck and still am stuck. I'm stuck in a box that's sinking in a pool that's connected to an ocean of self doubt and destructiveness.

I have ruined the boy

It's me believing in all the things people say that has ruined me. I mean, completely ruined me. At this point, there's no going back. There isn't any hope for self improvement. I believe that once people get to a certain level, there's no returning. So, here I am, not returning.

I once was.

I used to be happy and full of confidence. I could've even mistaken myself for popular, once. I had a large group of friends. There were seven of us total.