The Depths of Emotion

Decimated

I have been taught to be the wolf

What you're taught usually becomes a habit. In my case, what I have been taught is a bad habit. In my house, I was told to keep my emotions to myself and to never tell anyone my burdens. I must be tough, and strong and keep to myself. That way, nobody else is hurt and I am always left alone. That's how the world should go around. We should all be alone.

Not to be the sheep

When I think of a sheep, I think that it is cute, that it is innocent, and that it is kind. I want to seem this way on the outside. I want people to like me and enjoy my company, but I don't want them to know the real me. The real me is hurt and in pain. Other people don't need to know that. They don't need to know that I'm bullied at school, that my girlfriend is pregnant, that she's been kicked out of her house because of me. 

I have to be the top dog

I have to keep these things quiet. If any of this got out, I would become the main subject. I would be targeted by everyone. I don't want that. I don't want anyone to know my problems because that's just what they are, my problems. Well, my problems have become too much to hold. I need a release. I want to sleep and never wake up because I don't want to deal with them anymore.

I have been taught to kill off the weak

When I found out my girlfriend, Eunha, was pregnant, all the fear inside of me took a piece of my heart. There's barely enough left for me to continue breathing these days. It's time to stop breathing. I don't want to leave Eunha alone, but I also don't want to face my fears. I'm a coward on the inside; I just don't like to show it.

To have no feelings

I know I should have never fallen in love. I should have never told anyone about my feelings, but I broke down when I met Eunha. I told her everything and I fell madly in love with her. I have only told one other person about my feelings and that's my best friend Jimin, but God knows he doesn't care about me anymore. He has his own issues to worry about and I can't burden him with my feelings.

I can't continue on this path that has been given to me. I can't face it. I'm afraid.

To show no emotions

I'm afraid of being a parent. I can't be one. I'm too broken on the inside to even begin to teach another human how to live. I've been thinking about it a lot these past two weeks since I found out the news. I've thought about being a parent and even though it's terrifying, it brings me a little joy.

I don't want to be like my parents. They told me to hide myself and to never speak with anyone about my feelings. They taught me how to hurt myself mentally. I don't want my child to live like that. I want him to be open with me, that is, if it is a boy. Even if it's a girl, I want her to be open with me, too. I want the baby to know that no matter what, someone loves it. I want to be that person. I don't know if I can be.

I have been raised to be a soldier

The way I've been raised, the way I've been taught, is difficult to overcome. I don't think I can get over it. I don't think I can break the habit. It's just too difficult. All of the pain I'm feeling, I just want it to go away and never hurt anybody else.

I have been taught to let no one in

It's too late for me. I let two people into my life and now, they're going to hurt really badly because of this selfish decision I'm making. All my life, I've been so selfless, but now, I'm going to do something so selfish, they'll never see it coming. I think that pain will hurt them the most. I think it might destroy the two people I love. I've thought about my decision so much that the choice I finally made has in turn, made me numb.

To drop people who are weak

Jimin needs me, Eunha needs me, my future child needs me, but I can't help them. I'll only destroy them if I stay. I don't want anyone else to be in this much pain ever again. I'm going to get rid of them, by getting rid of myself.

I have been told I only have myself

I have been taught to pull the trigger before anyone else does, so here I am, pulling the trigger. Not an actual trigger, though. My family doesn't own a gun, so I'm going to sleep. I have medications and tons of pills. It won't take me too long to eventually pass out, I assume. I'll be long gone before anyone discovers me because I'm going to go for a nice walk after taking the medication. It's a nice day out, might as well make the best of it.

I always have to have my walls up

I'm sorry Eunha, but please, forget about me. I'm not good enough for you.

Jimin, I'm sorry I couldn't help you through the tough moments. I hope you understand now.

To my future child, don't ever be afraid to talk to somebody. I promise, that person will be there for you if you ask for help.

The person you once knew,

Hoseok.