The Depths of Emotion

Disciplined

Why can't I just get better

I'm sick. I've tried to tell my parents, but I never told them that they're the reason why. They just think I'm being bullied at school. They don't want to blame themselves. Well, I blame them. If I ever told anyone that I blamed them, they wouldn't be happy. They would hurt me more and because of this, I'm afraid.

I was doing so well

I met these guys, these six guys. They're all older than me, but they welcomed me. I got really close with this one guy, Yoongi. Him and I spoke about a lot of things and one day, he got me to talk about my parents. He didn't force it out of me, either. I just let it all go. I told him everything that hurt me and he was okay with it. He didn't tell anyone. For that, I was thankful and I felt better.

But I just snapped

They beat me really badly one day. Dad was drunk, horribly drunk. He lost his job that day, two weeks ago. I don't remember why he lost it, I just remember he was angry and that I happened to come home late that night. I was hanging out with Yoongi and it was past midnight when I got home.

He beat me senseless. I don't know how long he kept beating me after I passed out. I just remember how much it hurt when I woke up. I had bruises all over me and two black eyes. I couldn't go to school, so I called Yoongi to pick me up and take me somewhere. It was at that place, that I officially snapped.

It's just getting worse

That day, to weeks ago was the worst he ever beat me. My father never beat me to the point where I passed out. He never hurt me so badly.

The worst part, is that I didn't expect it. I can usually see a beating coming, but that night, it felt as if it came from nowhere.

Each time it happens

Since I skipped school that day, he beat me when I got home. I didn't care, either. I just let him hit me where he wished. I usually try to protect an area of my body, but I gave up that day. Something inside of me that cared about myself broke and I couldn't hold onto my feelings any longer.

People are trying to help

Young tried to help me. He told me to come live with him since he's alone anyway and his  mother died, but I told him no. I don't want to sleep in a hotel and not know when I'm going to be fed. At least, when I'm home, my mother feeds me and she ices my wounds. At least, she tries to take care of me and show me mercy.

But it's not working

I feel broken mentally and physically. I can't do anything right and I'm nothing. When my mother found out I skipped a whole week of school, she joined my father and slapped me. That's when I really felt like nothing. She never hit me before that day. That night, she didn't ice my wounds, either. She didn't feed me. She locked me in my bedroom.

I try to help myself

I try to tell myself that it's okay and that it's normal. All parents get angry at their kids. It's okay. I try to let myself have friends and to talk to them about how I feel, but I can't. I can't even talk to Yoongi anymore. Now, I have secrets to hide from him, too. Nobody should ever know about this. If I keep it silent, then maybe others will be saved from the violence.

It just bites me in the ass

Maybe if I told someone, I would start feeling things again, maybe I could fix the crack in my shell, but I don't think that's possible. I feel bitter about it all and I think I'm starting to feel hatred as well. I'm angry at my mother for not showing me anymore mercy; I'm angry at Yoongi for not telling anybody, and I'm angry at my father for beating me for so many years.

Maybe I am truly gone

I think my father beat the soul out of me two weeks ago. I feel so empty and careless. There's really nothing left inside of me and I know Yoongi needs me because his mother just died, but I can't be there for him. I need to try to fix myself, but I don't think I can.

I don't even want to feel happy anymore

I'm just going to let him keep beating me. There's no sense in trying to fight him. My father is always going to be there and is always going to hurt me. He's going to say horrible things to me and he's going to make me feel the pain he felt growing up. It's a cycle that'll never go away unless one of us tries to stop it. I know how to end the cycle. It's easy.

I just want to be somewhere else

I'm going to hurt myself more than my father ever hurt me and I hope that it angers him. I want him to feel the pain his punching bag felt for so many years. I want him to grieve until he's broken from pain. I'm going to go somewhere that souls only go and I'm probably not going to like it.

Not here on Earth

Earth is a piece of shit anyway. There's nothing good on this planet. The only good thing, I guess, is death. In my eyes, death is always an option and it's a pretty damn good one. I think I'll have one death to go, please.

Mom, I thought you were nicer than that.

Dad, I never expected anything less.

Yoongi, you should've tried harder.

The person you once knew,

Jungkook.