rejection ➸ fillie

fear of rejection

my chin lays on the palm of my hand as i stare at the girl. that girl being millie bobby brown. one of the prettiest girls in our school; and i don't think she really knows.

my name is finn wolfhard, and i am in love with millie bobby brown. yet, she probably doesn't even know who i am.

i would tell her that i think she is perfect in every way, but i can't. i physically cannot bring myself to even tell her my name.

i watch her as she laughs with her friends and sigh. i know its weird, watching her, and she doesn't even know. but what else am i supposed to do? looking at her is addicting, i just can't stop.

the teacher came in, which caused me to look away from her.

—

"why don't you just go talk to her?" noah asked.

i turn to face him, "so many reasons." i say. "which are?..." he trailed off.

"well for one, millie is quite popular. she has tons of people wanting to be with her. hell, even sadie is crushing on her." i truthfully told.

"yeah, so?" noah asked. "noah, shes not gonna choose me, the guy she doesn't even know the name of, over every other person in this school."

"you never know." he said.

"and i won't find out. if she turns me down...it'd just be embarrassing. it's scary."

"finn, you're fifteen." noah stood up, "can't be so scared over things like that anymore." and with that he left. i glared at him but also rolled my eyes.

he can't tell me what i can and can't be scared of. it's normal, isn't it?

i have had this fear for about 3 years, is it weird?

—

millie doesn't necessarily date the people that are crushing on her, in fact she has never dated anyone before, which is another reason i won't ever tell her how i feel.

i know i can't just keep it all inside of me forever, i mean i'd go crazy. i know a lot about millie. it may sound creepy, but its true. when i stare at her i notice things, i notice how she always brings this one type of yogurt every single day at lunch time. i notice how she tucks her short hair behind her hair when she's called on in class. i notice when she's genuinely smiling and when it's a forced smile. i notice a ton of things about this girl that probably doesn't even know my name.

—

the next day was normal up until 4th period, which was the second class i had with millie.

this particular day we were getting assigned new seats...

"class, i have put your names on your new desk you will be sitting at for the rest of the year," the teacher said. i started looking at the desks, looking for my name tag.

i found my new seat, way in the back of the class which i didn't really mind, i did not really look at the other name tags next to me, which i now regret. but it wouldn't have made such a difference anyway.

i set my book bag down and my heart actually dropped when i saw who was sitting right next to me. it was millie. life couldn't be worse. sure i like millie and i but her being seated right next to me, meaning actual conversation with her, it was just too much. it may seem like i'm overreacting, but we're talking about a girl i have liked since i was 12. a girl i was afraid to make a fool of myself in front of.

i gulped, as silently as i possibly could. i saw her set down her book bag and dusted off her table with my peripheral vision.

"hi," oh no here it goes, i turn my head slightly looking at her, "i'm millie." she said putting out her hand for me to shake.

i looked at her hand for a good 10 seconds but i took my hand out of my pocket and shook hers. i then mentally cringed because i realized my hands were sweaty.

"i'm—" she cut me off, "finn." she said. she knows my name? oh my god, she knows my name! i've never talked to millie before, we've only ever exchanged looks in the halls but we've never talked, she had to have asked somebody for my name. she had to have, theres no other explanati—

"...right?" millie asked cutting me out of my thoughts. "oh yeah, h-how did you know?" i asked.

"finn, you have been at this school for quite a while now. we have had the same classes. i have heard people call you by your name before." she chuckled.

oh...

well...

at least she knows who i am.

i smile and nod.