bittersweet ❀ destiel

Chapter 8

I don't know where I was driving to, I was just driving, trying not to focus on Dean and the way his eyes looked when he was hovered over Amara. I tried to focus on the road, but God it was so difficult.

How could he do this to me? After everything we've been through. After all the things I've done for him. All the things I put up with. To say I felt foolish would be an understatement.

I was flying down the empty road, my hand gripping the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles were turning white, and there were silent tears rolling down my cheek when my phone rang. I didn't have to glance down to know it was Dean. Who else would be calling at 2am other than your husband who just you caught in bed with someone else?

I didn't answer it. I couldn't. I couldn't hear his voice. I think it would kill me. Regardless of how many times he's hurt me, and regardless of how hurt I am right now, the last thing I wanted was to hear his broken cries on the other end of the phone. I never want to hear Dean unhappy, and it's funny because I genuinely thought he'd want the same for me.

My phone rang again. And again. And again.

The fifth time I pulled over, ignoring the bubbling fear of being alone on the side of the road in the dark, and listened to the echoing sound of my phone ringing. I didn't answer again, but I did pull up the voicemail's and began to listen to them, trying not to cry but failing miserably every single time Dean's voice cracked.

Dean Winchester
Cas... baby... come home. Please come home. Amara doesn't mean anything to me. You're everything to me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please come home.

A loud sob racked my body, filling the painful silence in the small car. I wanted to throw my phone, to smash it. I wanted to rid myself of him completely. My whole body ached and I was broken and so terribly sad and I wanted Dean, the Dean I met when I was 19. Not this Dean.

I played the next one.

Dean Winchester
Damn it Cas! Answer your fucking phone. I'm trying here, okay? I love you, you know I love you.. I just-
Just come home please.
I love you.

I'd been wanting to hear those words for so long. I know that Dean didn't mean them, that he was just trying to make himself feel better, trying to rid himself of the guilty conscience which was probably eating him alive. I didn't feel bad. Dean doesn't love me. I don't know what Dean loves, maybe her, maybe himself, maybe hurting me. I don't know. I do know, however, that whatever he loves, it isn't me.

Has he ever loved me? I try to think back to a simpler time. A time when I was with him and he was with me, and together we were happy. I try to remember when there was a time I was fast asleep, safe with him wrapped around me. I try to think, but all I can think about is pure white rage. All I can think about is the insults slurring from his mouth. Does he mean them?

It's my fault. I have done him wrong. He deserves so much more than me. I'll never be enough.

I played the next one.

Dean Winchester
I'm here. I'm home. I'm waiting for you, Cas. Come home. Please just answer the phone. Hell, I don't even know if you're getting these. Just come home. We can talk. I love you.

I wiped my eyes viciously, trying to convince myself that tears were never there and that I wasn't as broken as I felt right now. I had to pull myself together. Crying wasn't going to fix this. Crying wasn't going to fix anything.

I inhaled deeply, and after holding it, I exhaled. With each deep breath, I felt my body become more relax and soon enough my eyes dried. I couldn't see myself, but I'm sure they were still red.

My chest was still hurting. The thought of Dean with someone else was wrapping around my heart and squeezing it so hard I felt as though I could barely function. I was functioning, though. I think that alone was the hardest part of it all.

My mind scrambled for something to do, someone to call. It was so late, and no one was awake. Just Dean, waiting for me to come back to him, like I've done each time before. I rested my head against the steering wheel and closed my eyes gently, wanting nothing more than to not feel anything anymore.

Why was this so hard?

I can't imagine a life without Dean. I know I can't, and that scares me. I was so scared. I didn't know what to do.

A loud ring yanked me back into reality. This time, I answered.

"Cas? Fuck, are you okay? Where are you? I'm coming to get you."

Dean sounded initially relieved, but almost immediately his voice began to fill with panic. It was overflowing through the phone.

I sighed heavily, not saying anything. Not wanting to say anything. I don't know why I answered. I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't know what I decided on doing.

"Castiel. Talk to me."

His voice was soft, pleading. You could so easily tell that he knew he had ruined everything. Maybe everything was ruined a long time ago.

"I want a divorce."

My voice was surprisingly calm, not shaking with each word. I could hear Dean's breath hitch, and I thought I heard a gasp, but I don't know.

I don't know what brought me to say it. It had been floating through my mind, but was it actually what I wanted?

"Please just come home. Let's talk about this. Please, I can fix this."

"There's nothing to fix, Dean!"

My heart was pounding.

"Let me try. I love you, I love you so much. Please just let me-"

I couldn't do it anymore.

"Goodbye, Dean."