bittersweet ❀ destiel

Chapter 9

Dean's POV

It had been three days since I last heard from Cas.

It wasn't like I blamed him or anything. I'm sure that if I were in his position, I would hate me with every ounce of my being. He deserves so much better, so much more. Someone who loved him without all the anger that I carried into his life.

I missed him, though. I missed him terribly. I felt alone, alone in way that was different from feeling alone when I'd storm out after a fight, or vice versa. No, this was different.

I wondered what he was doing, who he was with. I wondered if he was missing me like I was missing him. I did miss him. I really did. I really do.

I can't wrap my head around what I was thinking, sleeping with Amara. I knew that I had feelings for her in some sick sort of way, but she didn't compare to Cas at all. Castiel was the love of my life, and I just wish I had realized it before I treated him the way I did.

Will he ever forgive me?

Cas would have to be back soon. If this is permanent, and he really has done what's best for himself and decided to leave me for good, he'd have to get his things. Then he'd come home, and maybe I'd see him. Maybe convince him to stay.

I'm sure my apologies seemed empty to him. They always have been before. Whenever I hurt him, I never cared, but now I fear losing him, and I don't think I've ever cared more.

Maybe I just needed to sleep. I hadn't been doing a lot of that lately. I hadn't been going into work, been eating much.

Sleep would do me some good.

-

Day 6.

"Do you think he's gonna come back? I fucked up so bad, Charlie, I did."

Charlie sighed through the phone. I was walking around the kitchen, putting myself together a sandwich. If I didn't put something on my stomach soon, the nausea would start to take over. I was certain of it.

"You cheated on him in his own bed, Dean. You'd be lucky to ever see that Boy's face again."

I sighed. I wanted to deny, to push that thought down, but there was no escaping it. I hurt him so bad. I never wanted us to become like this. I wasn't like this. Cas and I were happy. I wonder where we went wrong-- where I went wrong.

"I just don't know what to do."

"Give him some time, Dean. Try to understand what he's going through. Don't just sit there and miss him, it's not good for either of you. Think about where you went wrong, and think about how you're gonna fix it."

I was gonna say something, but she interrupted me with a hurried voice.

"Gotta go. Text me if he shows."

She hung up the phone without another word. I immediately dropped my phone onto the counter, glancing around our empty house.

So many memories came flooding into my mind, and I couldn't help but let the wave of missing him engulf me, even though it was only for a second. I snapped out of the trance quickly and looked down at my sandwich. I wasn't hungry. I didn't want to eat.

I turned around and reached to the put the Sandwich in the fridge, deciding I'd definitely eat it later. I'd have to eat something eventually. Starving myself wouldn't do me any good. Almost on cue, lassitude overtook my body and i found my stumbling over to the couch, plopping my whole weight down and curling around a pillow that didn't smell familiar. Didn't smell like home.

Easily, I fell asleep.

-

"Dean? Wake up."

My eyes rolled around behind the closed lids, thinking that maybe the voice would leave and I would fall back into a peaceful slumber. I was wrong.

"Dean.."

A warm hand gripped my harm and shook me gently. At first, the touch was foreign. Unrecognizable. Then, slowly, a million sensations began to tingle through my arm and straight to my head. I knew this touch. This was Cas.

My eyes blinked open immediately, and there he was. Cas. My Cas. He looked tired. His blue eyes were dark, and he looked as though he hadn't brushed his hair once in the six days he had been gone. Cas looked like a wreck.

His eyes, although dark, were soft. His hand remained firm on my arm, and our vision remained focused on each other for what seemed like an eternity.

"I'm sorry." I whispered brokenly, the words escaping my mouth before I even had a chance to think about it. It looked as though his body went limp. His shoulders dropped, and a quiet sob escaped his lips. He was still holding my arm.

I tried to push myself up, but my body was weak and tired, the emotional trauma of believing I had lost Cas forever taking it's toll on me.

I still could lose him.

"I came home a few hours ago," he whispered, "you were sleeping. I uh," at this point his grip on my arm was loosened. I was watching him intently before he continued. "I packed some of my things."

I felt my heart begin to swell in the tightest, most painful way possible. The shards of what was broken were jabbing at me harshly, and I didn't even try to hide the effortless tears that rolled down my cheek.

"Don't cry, Dean. I hate to see you cry." He whispered brokenly, genuine. The fact that I had hurt him so much and yet he still resented seeing me in pain broke my heart further.

"Don't go. Stay, please. I'm sorry. Let's fix this. I love you."

His eyes shifted down, and his hand wasn't touching me at all now. I felt cold, empty.

"We keep fighting. It's never ending. We just aren't good together anymore. We can't make this work."

"But we can. It's you and me, baby, we are in love. This is us, we can't give up on us."

Cas was so broken. I should have let him go, but I was so incredibly selfish and I didn't want to be alone. My promises were empty. I couldn't stop hurting him. Even now, begging him to stay.

"I don't want to be hurt anymore."

I shouldn't have asked him to stay with me. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. Cas deserved so much better.

He deserved so much better.

I should have let him go.