A Black and White Rainbow

Chapter 4: Endless Black

Chapter 4: Endless Black

                “Why do you keep leaving?” my mother cried.

                “What do you care!?” I yelled back. “It’s not like you want me here!” It was a typical day. I was going to meet my friends, and mom just decided to stop me again. So here we were, yelling at each other. When would this stop? We had been like this for about nine months. Why did she still insist on keeping me here?

                “Yes I do!” she said. She was crying, just like the softie she was. Soon her husband would be out here, Matt would try to help, and I’d run away. Yada yada yada, same old story, blah blah blah. “Honey, just stay for lunch! I’ll make your favorite pasta with egg sandwiches! Just stay!”

                I had actually stayed once, but we ended up having steak. How that happened, I don’t know. Mom was getting on my nerves. When would the lies stop? When would she leave me alone? Why couldn’t she just stop? “Uh, no. You keep saying that, but I haven’t tasted home cooked pasta and egg sandwiches for two years. Can I leave now?” I asked. Then I thought, why am I asking for permission? I’m just gonna run off, anyway.

                “No, we’ll really have it today! Alice, stay and have lunch with us!” Mother cried. She always seemed desperate for me to stay, but I knew it didn’t matter if I left or not. Even if I killed myself, she wouldn’t care. I was starting to get frustrated. What the hell did she want? She knew I wouldn’t stay, so why bother? My heart started sinking. I was about to snap.

                “Shut up already! You know I’m going to leave anyway! Besides, you don’t care, either! You can do more to stop me, but all you do is stand there and yell at me, begging to go eat with dad’s replacement and Matt!” I yelled. My heart was sinking farther and farther.

                “How could you say that!?” a voice came from behind us. It was my step dad. Mom was bawling now, like she usually did. She always cried, now. Every time we talked, I somehow managed to make her cry. Where did the strong, smiling woman who married my dad go? Who was this crying lady that always begged me to stay? It surely wasn’t the mom I knew when I was six years old. Over time, she slowly became a stranger, a stranger that I hated. “You know that we mean well, but you keep pushing us away?” His voice became softer as he said, “Alice, don’t you want to eat with your family?”

                I saw Matt appear behind my step dad. He was really quiet and no one had noticed him. He nodded, signaling that saying yes and staying would not only be less trouble, but would make him happy, too.

                I was about to give in to Matt, to say yes. My mom then cleared her throat and tried to suppress her crying to say something. We all turned our attention to her. She looked into my eyes and whispered, “I love you.”

                This was the last straw. I never expected her to say that to me with such honesty. I dreamed of a day when she would, when she and Dad got back together, but I knew it was a fantasy. Having her say it here, where I wanted to run off and everyone was mad at me, was not how I imagined it. I didn’t want to hear it, either. It was just a dream, floating in a dark abyss. Hearing her say that broke my heart. I knew it was a lie. Why would she say it now, after I had let go of her so long ago? Finally, the little bottle of sadness sitting at the edge of my heart broke. I snapped.

                Tears streamed down my eyes. Everyone looked surprised. Matt ran up to hug me, but I gently pushed him away. “You’re lying. You’re just-“