Everyone Should Know (Alex Turner)

Chapter 27: Can You Make it Feel Like Home

Chapter 27: Can You Make it Feel Like Home

"If I tell you you're mine,"
Janessa's POV
This whole two weeks have been as hard as hard could get. I have broken up with Alex, there's no more of us about that. No more pure gold in my eyes. No more 'forever yours,' locket. No more mistakes.
I had moved with Miles for a couple of days until the exact same girl he met at the bar the other night arrived. I understood I had to leave.
I remember when we had that conversation the other night
"You're always fucking lucky in love Ness, stop bragging."
"Lucky in love? You're clearly drunk and do not know what you're saying, Mi."
He clearly didn't know.
Having nowhere else to go I am still staying with Alex. We are good pals and he respects my privacy, I respect his. He's almost never at home, making my staying here alright. I still love him. Olive is nowhere to be found apparently, Arielle has been coming to pick him up to dates. He moved on. That's what normal people do. There is still awkwardness around us; I need to get a job to rent at least a study room but he insists I shouldn't, I can stay here as long as I want.
"Hold me in your arms, love me like your best friends did, promise I won't hurt you kid, hold me really tight until the stars look big, never let me go." A voice sang through the speakers. I turned the phone off.
But that's the problem, everything reminds me of him. Anywhere I look, anything I hear. As much absurd as it may seem.
~Flashback~
'We walked to the patio and just cuddled out there. My locket sparkled from a torch that stood there. There was a beach in front of us, and from here we could see that not too far away from the beach was a fair..'
~End~
I shook those bittersweet moments out of my head and walked to the kitchen. I grabbed an apple and took a bite of it. I love them apples. Suddenly Alex came down to the kitchen and made eye contact with me, turned his direction and headed to the living room. I don't like this. I'm the intruder. And our decisions should not have him suffering. I need a job. Anywhere, any job.
I went to the living room and stood there. He looked as if he was about to go out: the very classic black leather jacket, black new skinnies, white shirt and his Winklepickers.
He met my eyes and gently smiled, I returned the favour. Aside from his elegance, I was still wearing the same gap jumper and Matt's joggers. He's right, they're really comfortable. I sat on one of the couches and turned the tv. on.
"So,, any plans Ness?" He asked keeping his eyes locked on the television screen.
"Umm no not really I was going to go buy some Chinese food later and you?" I asked, not making eye contact with him either.
"Uh I got a date," he half whispered
"Oh cheers" I said sarcastically. He was too distracted trying to make up what else to say he didn't notice my mild sarcasm.We didn't have much of a topic of conversation anymore.
"Right. And how are things with what's his name again? Zachary?" He asked and this time, looked at me. I rolled my eyes and turned to look at him, too.
"Alex, I'm not dating him. I'm not dating anyone. But I am quite concerned he hasn't been going to school," I concluded
"Oh, well I dunno why he's not going"
"Why would you Al"
"Ah um, I, I'm going to check my quiff be right back" he smirked making me laugh.
"Perfectionist!" I yelled
"I heard that! Oh Ness" he replied. I heard his chuckles from all the way down the hall.
As soon as he went in I heard the door bell.
I opened it and it was Arab-
Arielle.
She was wearing a black mini dress with a cheetah print coat. Big black twelve centimetre heels and bright red lipstick.
She was trying way too hard. On everything. From her vines to her Instagram posts. Always in some kind of cheetah print outfits and a Mexican coke with her. Way too hard.
"Oh hello Janessa! How are you?" Her little girl- not so little adorable voice said.
She came close and hugged me. How hypocrite people can be.
Just about a month ago you were threatening me and you even went through my phone to convince me of a lie.
"Hi Arielle, good and you?"
"Great thanks. May I come in?"
"Sure, Alex is in the restroom" I smiled
"Let me guess, checking his quiff right?" She laughed
Making me laugh too. Did she look through the bathrooms window before knocking?
"Hah yeah, you know him" I smiled
"Of course I do, Janessa. Second chances aren't always given unless you know the person" she said in a serious tone and face now.
"Uh huh, definitely" I replied carelessly, as she once replied to me.
"Oh hey Ari. I'm ready" his smile widened as she stood up to greet him.
*'Kiss me hard before you go, summertime sadness.'*
"Alex! You look good!" She said as she jumped and he received her into his strong arms. The arms that used to be wrapped around my waist every night to sleep. No.
"You look gorgeous, love." He said, before they removed themselves she leaned in and kissed him. Hard. It wasn't such a long kiss considering he backed off after the good part.
My vision was getting blurry and my eyes felt heavy,lost, confused. Like in the orphanage every time parents came to adopt a kid, and left me, us, crying and asking the orphanage ladies why weren't ever good enough to be adopted.
A sweet scent of burnt sugar and ginger and cloves smelled as Arielle swung her coat to put it on. Perhaps new perfume. No. I shook my head a little.
"Bye Janessa, have fun!" Arielle said cheeringly and her fake smile could've fallen off her face if that could even happen.
"Goodnight, Ness." Alex had a small apologising smile. His classic little timid smile he's been having recently towards me. Definitely not the one he gives her. With his hand on her waist he closed the door shut.
I turned the telly off. I grabbed my cell phone and started dialling. If I needed comprehension there was a person for sure.
Ring
Ring
Ring
'Please,' I begged
Ring
'Hello, this is Zachary-'
"Zac! I'm so glad I can-,"
'Im not available right now, leave a message and I'll return your call later.'
I hung up. I was too confused I didn't even realise I heard this voicemail like ten times just today. Why was he not answering? Why is he not going to school? What's wrong? Did I really make such a big impact? Did I really hurt him like this? He doesn't care no longer about me, if he did he would be kind enough to at least text me if he doesn't want to hear a heartbreakers voice. I feel so ashamed of myself. But it wasn't my fault, he's the one that fell for the wrong person.
Just like I did.
What could I expect? He's been with her for almost three years, or more if it wouldn't have been for me. He loves her, he truly does. But I do not love Zachary like that. I love Alex and there isn't much to it until I learn and convince myself he isn't the one, there'll be another one. No, there won't be.
*'Promise you'll remember that you're mine, baby can't you see through the tears'* I half sang sobbing, pouring my heart out like the time I was in Miles' car. This time Miles wasn't here, and I was alone and there couldn't be anything to stop me. Or anyone.
The scent became bigger and bigger, the ginger one and stuff.
'You know it's the answer.' He whispered
"Dad? Daddy?"
'There isn't anyone anymore, Janessa.' She said
What's going on? My head started pounding and hurting a lot.
" No, I am a warrior. I don't want to die, I don't" I fought back
'A warrior is nothing without his troop, where are they Janessa? Where's Miles? And the boys, the ones that say they love you, they can't even bother asking for your phone number! And where's Alex baby? He never loved you, you were never a warrior." She kept saying
"They, they all vanished. I can't believe they all left me. No one cares." I started crying harder.
'Exactly, princess Reysalynne. And where's 'Zac', also darling? None of them care. Go into the kitchen, it's in there' he said
"But I don't want to end my life, not right now. There's so many things I want to see and discover!" I cried
'Baby, you won't find anything else but sadness, nothing else' Mardelle said
"But you don't know that! You're dead!" I replied
'Listen to your parents, Janessa. We want the best for you. Soon you'll be with us and we will have the life you have always wanted.' She caressed me
"Fo, for reals?" I hiccuped and stuttered. The paracetamols I took earlier before Alex left didn't help me ease my headache.
'Of course darling! We love you, a lot.' Edward said in the most reliable and calm voice he ever had.
I stood up and nodded. Slow walking, I arrived at the kitchen and opened the drawer. I pulled out the biggest cooking knife and admired it. As I saw my reflection in it I saw my eyes, they weren't sleepy and for sure not hopeless.
"Wait a minute," I observed
'Do it' he said
'Quickly' she said
'Do it!' They screamed making me collapse to the floor and cover my ears.
"STOP!!" I yelled.
The smell went away. My tears stopped and my headache stopped also. What am I doing?
I stood up and put the knife where it belongs, walked upstairs and went to sleep.
Next day
I realised I have taken cramp paracetamols when I wasn't even on my period, this was probably the answer as to what had happened yesterday.
I was at school now, In my career preparation class. The one I don't really pay attention to anymore.
"Class turn to your partner and explain why this is so important to remember" the teacher said and smiled. Everyone turned and did what they are told. I turned and Zachary wasn't there. He wasn't here anymore. Nowhere to be found. Like if the dirt has eaten him alive.
I felt useless in this class, this is the class you need a partner to discuss some topics about. I have no one.
I sat at lunch alone, in the table I sat in with Zac the first day we properly met. Gosh how much I miss him. I miss laughing with him for whatever stupid reason we laughed. Seeing him do goofy faces only to me, so no one would see him making a clown out of himself. I missed and admired his intellectual vocabulary.
I sat alone in the living room couch.
"What the hell was that all about?!" I screamed as I frowned a bit, eyes locked on the television screen. I am watching The Fast and The Furious. My favourite movie. All of them are to be honest.
"What the hell was that all about?" Brian asked Dom.
I laughed alone, seeing how we had said the same. I was almost always like this now, every afternoon watching movies alone.
After the movie I took a shower. As I saw my naked reflection in the mirror, I've seen my progress. The scars weren't there anymore, well almost gone.
After the movie I sat down on the couch without lights on, everything dark, thinking. Thinking of how far I've come, from a home school girl that didn't appreciate her life to a reckless, suicidal teen orphan to a confused adult. I closed my eyes.
"Don't make me sad, don't make me cry, sometimes love is not enough and the road gets though I don't know why" my ring tone sang. I picked it up and answered
"Hello?" I said
"Ja, Janessa?" He said
"Zac, Zachary?!" I screamed making him laugh a bit.
"Hey, listen. I'm sorry about what happened between us, lets just forget it alright?"
"Of course Zachary. I, I do like you too. I've been so worried," I laughed
"I've been very worried." I finished
I heard his voice tearing up a little.
"And, and you say this now. It seems like you're a bit late Nessa." He coughed
"Wha, what's wrong? I'm sorry if I made you feel sad." I said
"Janessa, I'm in the hospital. I have the flu, the AH1N1. It got me, you were right" he chuckled a bit
I felt my jaw drop and I covered my mouth.
"Zzac. I am so so sorry. I want to see you" I stuttered and felt my eyes get watery
"You, you can't. It's very dangerous to come, you could catch it too."
"I could care less if I do. I don't care what I have to do, I want to see you."
"Alright then Janessa, you win. Come tomorrow at scrips at about 9:00 am. At the breakfast time, you can join me." I could imagine himself smiling through he end of the line. His cute eyes sparkling.
"I will be there. Get some rest Zac, goodnight" I said
"Good night." He said
"Janessa!" He said before I hung up
"Yes?"
"I, I love you." He said nervously
"I love you too."
I truly did. He was a very very good friend. After we hung up I tried to process everything that happened, I was in tears. With the light off. I could feel them streaming down my face. A friend I didn't really appreciate until I realised how much I needed him.
"Okay, see you tomorrow!" I heard someone outside say. I then heard the doorknob turn and open, it was Alex. It was very late. God only knows where he was. I remain silent, thinking he'll just go upstairs but he turns the lights on. As soon as he turns to me he gasps a bit and jumps.
"Janessa! What are you doing here with the lights off?" He asked while scratching his neck.
I covered my face with my hands and replied
"Nothing."
He came closer and sat next to me.
"What's wrong?" He asked
I revealed myself and showed my tears.
"Zachary is in the hospital, he has the flu, the dangerous one the AH1N1" I said sobbing
"Darlin, he'll be alright don't you worry. Shh Ness it's gonna be okay" he said as he wrapped his arms around me.
"But but I warned him! I warned him to get the flu shot" I half whispered.
"Sometimes guys are deaf babe, sometimes." He gently smiled
"I'm going to see him tomorrow in the morning at the hospital"
"I'll give you a lift"
"Would you? Thanks Al"
"Anything for you love, anything for you."
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