Ugly

1

     Ugly. What is ugly? Some would say it's something that is unattractive or, distasteful. Other's would say it describes someone's attitude. Well, I am ugly. I am unattractive, distasteful and down right disgusting. My hair is dry and messy, my eyes have bags and my skin is pale as a ghost. Honestly, the fact that I'm so ugly gives me a lot of stress. In an attempt to remove these worries I would sit quietly away from others and draw small little doodles in a notebook. The problem was also with my name. Avery. A woman's name. A name you would only give a human with a chest and a vagina. I had once wondered if my parents wanted a girl. My mom named me and my father cheated on my mother with a younger girl. Maybe I should have just been a girl. Maybe I should have let them chop of my penis and tell them to name me Sasha the drag queen. Either which way, I probably would have been an ugly drag queen. Rupaul wouldn't have let me on Rupaul's Drag Race even if I begged and whined. Beauty is everything, some say and I must agree, frankly.

     Still, as I sat in my small desk way in the far left corner of the classroom, I couldn't help but not think that maybe I should have been trans. Maybe that would have helped me. Though, now I'm known as Avery the little trans boy that cant get noticed. Yet, I had never once owned a vagina or lumps on my chest. I was a male and never changed that. I liked women and their chest. Well, I had thought so. Either way I was still tortured when they did notice me. I couldn't walk into the locker room after gym without the guys pulling down my pants to laugh at my small 'fake' penis, or how my nipples were sometimes erect because the cold air hit them when they stripped me. It was a struggle to even put on a tighter than normal shirt without people saying I was too skinny or that I should eat more. But, as much as I wanted to I couldn't. I would force myself to throw up to get out of school. I would play sick so I could get a small nap in. So that I could have a little bit of rest and relieve myself from stress. All of that wouldn't last though, for I would wake up in the morning and hear my mother rubbing me awake and telling me it was time to go to school.

     So now I was here, sitting in my small desk way in the far left corner of the classroom. Talkative girls and boys filled the room. I was first into the classroom again. It was not a surprise though. I was said to be a alright student. I felt like I was. I made good grades and studied for simple little tests here and there. Though, nothing to the extreme. And as I watched as the students poured in, a smaller boy with blonde hair and blue eyes caught my attention. I had almost mistaken him for a girl until I saw his chest and his figure. He was feminine. He may not have any curves, but his face screamed faggot from a mile away. It's not that I hate gays or anything. I was making an inference. The boy was a year under me, but he is just as popular as any cute senior girl. The way his eyes battered and the way he smiled and talked and walked with other kids like himself fascinated me to the point I could call him an idol. Yet, he's just like the rest... He walked with popular kids, talked to popular kids. He did popular kid things.... I envied him like crazy, wanting to be him or date him or- -. I groaned and covered my face. Dating him? That's honestly disgusting. Why would I ever want to date him!? That's what I had once thought. I had once thought that he was too good for me. That I was too ugly...

~~~

     "Ivy is probably a girl though," my overweight friend mumbled. His name was Oliver. We knew each other since diapers... "His eyelashes are really long and his eyes are really big and blue. He's too cute. If he was a girl, I would love to--"

     "Keep your dirty fantasies to yourself, Oliver," I chuckled, handing him a ketchup packet. Lunch was the only time I got to see my only friend. He was a nerd. He wasn't ugly. If he lost weight he'd probably wouldn't have hung out with me. He would have been handsome and with the popular people. "And anyway he's just like those dumb popular people. " Oliver laughed and agreed, smacking on some school chicken. It was silent between us. I watched as Oliver smiled and looked at me.

     He cleared his throat and smiled. "I've been losing weight," he grinned, "I'm gonna be my old skinny self once again, you know?"

     I nodded. but my smile had went away. It got silent once again. I stared at Oliver... "Say, Oliver?" I called. He looked up from his tray, "W-Will you leave me when you become skinny again...?" Oliver paused and stared at me.

     He snickered. "That's the gayest thing you've ever said," Oliver smiled, getting up, "Nah I wouldn't leave ya. Someone has to stay with a lonely guy like you... " I smiled awkwardly and sighed. "Anyway stop saying weird gay stuff. I like pussssssssyyyy!" I chuckled and stirred my milk. As I sat silently, I noticed the blond-- Ivy walking over to a group of guys. He smiled at a Jock, Danielle if I'm not mistaken. The two chatted for a bit before Ivy's eyes had met mine. I looked away with haste, trying not to be caught staring, but I couldn't help it. I looked back over at him as he slowly began another conversation with the less than intelligent jock. The sight of Ivy standing on his tip toes than standing on his heels made me smile a little bit. He was like a young child, or puppy rather, awaiting a reward or his master's company. It was cute nevertheless. Only, this time I was actually caught staring. Ivy's furrowed brows had caught my attention as he gave a an uncertain look. Danielle, on the other hand, looked unimpressed by my small habit. He rolled up his sleeves and walked over to me, leaving Ivy with a group of friends.

     "Hey, what the hell you staring at?" Danielle growled as he pushed me with his chest.  I stood back and held my tray firmly in my hand, trying not to spill my contents. "Answer my question!" As he yelled that he slapped the tray out of my hand, the left over food and the rest of my chocolate milk stained my white long sleeved sweater. "Fucking faggot, keep your eyes off Ivy, k'?" I flinched as he bucked at me, slamming me against the wall. "Perverted, tranny... " As Danielle spit insults, I just sat quietly and watched him. Once he was done, he left with his hands in his pockets, grinning to all his friends. He raised his brows at Ivy, whom seemed the least impressed out of the group. Inaudible words had rang from their mouths before the group left Ivy alone. He had looked at me, and when the group was truly gone he stopped what he was doing.

     Silence had fluttered the quiet, empty cafeteria as Ivy walked over to me. His blonde, bobbed hair had bounced when he came to a stop. "Do you want me to help you to the bathroom?" he asked softly. His voice was so soft and polite. I had no words as the younger held the rim of my shirt and lifted it up slightly. "The stains should come out," he muttered as his hands pressed on my stomach. "Sorry for being so touchy, but do you not eat a lot?" I wasn't able to say any words, for the shorter one was so talkative. He was intimidating even though he was short. 

     "Um," I managed to spit out, "I-I think I might just want to go home... " Ivy's eyes had widened as I began to cry.

     "D-Don't cry!" Ivy muttered, grabbing a hold of my arms, begging me to stop. All this built of emotions just poured out. I was embarrassed in front of someone I envied and now they are pitying me. Perfect. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to. I wanted Ivy to feel sorry for me. I wanted him to give me attention. So I cried harder. "H-Hey stop... Please don't cry... Look at me... I'll make sure Danielle will never bother you again..." Ivy grabbed my hand and tugged me to a bathroom which was large and only for teachers. He grabbed his book bag and sat in on the floor. "Take off your shirt?" I hesitated. "Oh, don't worry. I won't judge... " I wiped my eyes and lifted off my shirt, my chest and stomach being exposed to cold air. 

     Ivy turned to his bag and lifted out a beautiful jacket that had fur on the rem of the hood. "I was going to give it to Danielle, " Ivy smiled, turning around to show me the jacket, "But since he's being a huge dick, I'd like you'd to have it. " Again, I hesitated as I looked at Ivy.

     "That looks like an expensive jacket though," I whispered taking it to look at it, "Are you sure?"

     "Have it... "