My Poetry

Am I Worthy?

Am I worthy? Do I deserve friends? Am I just a filler? Kindergarten I had my first best friend. We were inseparable. She was everything to me. In first grade we got even closer. We had sleep overs, a song, bestfiend necklaces and everything we could possibly do. At the end of the year everything changed. I was moving. Not out of state or city or even my house. I was changing schools. And just like that she dropped me. I tried to stay close but she refused. To her I didn't exist. With her denial went a piece of my heart. Will I be wanted? Will I be accepted? Am I worthy? Second grade at a new school was a tough change. I had one friend. She was my go to girl, my shoulder to cry on, my support. Then the day came where the popular kids wanted to be my friend. I was soaring, I was finally going to have more friends. They treated me well and then one day they decided they didn't want anything to do with me. I was not their problem. They shoved me off the highest cliff they could find. If you look on that cliff you can still see the scar from where a piece of my hope remains. I ran as fast as I could back to my girl. She picked me up, brushed off the dirt, and we carried on. In third grade she was always there for me. She helped me deal with all of the problems. I was the punch line of every joke. I was the teachers pet, the over achiever, the nerd. She sheltered me from all of the harsh words. But it all changed. I was moving and to far for our friendship to handle. We promised we would stay in touch and we would be best friends forever. We weren't. We never talked again and another part of my heart gone. Will anyone remember me? Will I be missed? Am I worthy? A new state, new city, new school. For the first month or so I was alone. But then the popular girls wanted to be my friend. I guess i didn't learn my lesson. I so desperately wanted friendship. I opened my heart freely and the waterfall started. Everyday I spent with them I was their joke, their verbal punching bag. They crushed my spirit, stripped me of my hope. My heart was slowly becoming more fragile. I built up walls around my heart made of stone, bricks steel. Nothing could get through, I was safe. Can I ever let anyone in? Will I ever be accepted for me? Am I worthy? In fourth grade I had one friend. She was the center of attention. I didn't let her break my walls. She was all I had and all I needed. As the year went on she began to break my walls. She touched my heart, I let her in. At the end of the year she decided she didn't need me anymore. I was stranded. My heart lost another piece. Am I worthy? Will I ever be the right fit? In fifth grade I made friends with the new girl. We were just two peas in a pod. This year went off without a hitch and then I get back to school the next year. She moved over the summer and I never knew. She left me and again I was left alone, I had no one. When will I be the one? Will I ever be someones first choice? Am I worthy? In sixth grade I had two friends. We were buddies. We went on every field trip together, we did everything together. Through the school year I felt like my luck was changing. I was keeping two friends. I thought they had finally chosen me. Seventh grade one of them got mad at me. She called off our friendship and I cried for days. Another piece of my heart was gone. I was depressed and self harm helped me cope. Life had become more complicated. Can I ever be the one? Am I worthy? Will she leave me? Eighth grade I lost her too. She became a cheerleader. I was not up to her social standards. She ditched me for a new set of friends. I was alone again. She took the biggest piece of my heart. With every beat of my heart I was scared it would shatter. Will I always be alone? Am I worthy? Will I ever find the love I crave? In ninth grade one of my friends finally chose me. I was finally feeling like I was the first choice. For the first time. Am I ready to be worthy? I have one of my best friends. She chose me. We found each other in my ninth grade year. I was finally being loved. I was worthy. I was finally worthy.