Toy Soldier {ManxManxMan}

CHAPTER 35

"We dated for around five months before the bombs fell," I explained, the fingers of my right hand playing with the strap of my sling, eyes on the toes of my shoes, "I'd just turned fifteen a few weeks before the bombs fell...," I pointed at the knife Beckett was holding, "Josie got him that, gave it to him that day, the same day Josie gave me this," I lifted my fingers to the pendant around my neck, "Before he... you know, before, h-he gave me that. Told me to keep it to protect myself with, and he made me promise... not to give up, even if the world was on my shoulders.

"He made me promise to fight back, to never stop fighting, and to remember him, but not so much that I would forget to live for myself," my head bowed lower and I reached over to clutch my elbow, "He told me it was okay to fall in love again, that he wanted me to fall in love, and... for the past four years I've been ignoring him. I forgot to live because it hurt so much when I lost him."

I lifted my eyes and looked over at where Orion and Beckett were sitting, staring at Ronnie's knife, "Meeting you and Orion... reminded me of the promise I made to Ronnie back then, made me realize how selfish I was being to ignore him so readily. I just didn't feel worthy of anything besides pain. It was my fault he died, my fault my mom and dad, and my sister Gracie died.

"My whole life my mom said the same thing, she preached it like she was the Pope, that being gay, liking other men, was going to ruin my life, it was a one-way ticket to hell, that everyone around me would just suffer because of my sin, and after the bombs fell I believed her! I figured I deserved every bad thing that happened to me, it was a given because it was punishment for my sins, punishment for existing, for breathing.

"After Rhett... after he raped me, I was so confused and lost, I didn't understand why something like that could happen, or how, I didn't understand why people like that existed, but when I thought about what my mother said, in some sick fucked up way, it made sense to me! Somehow, I was able to come to terms with being raped because I decided my mom was right and that I deserved it and it was punishment for my sin!

"The second time when Blu assaulted me it was fine still, I was fine, because I deserved it, I convinced myself it was just a necessary punishment, and it helped me... believing that I deserved it helped me come to terms with it. I'm so scared, I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to deserve it, but I can't change who I am. I loved Ronnie," I looked up at the men in front of me with watery eyes, "and I love you both now. I can't change it. I tried, I fucking tried," I dropped my head down, watching my tears hit the knees of my jeans, "But I can't. I'm attracted to men. I was stupid enough to fall in love with two men... and I'm so scared that I'm going to be punished for it... I don't know if I'm ready to... I'm so sorry."

"Dakota," I looked up to see Orion was kneeling in front of me, his hands on my knees and a warm smile on his face, "I want you to listen to me for a second, okay? No yelling at me or stepping on my feet, just listen. I'm being entirely serious this time."

I furrowed my eyebrows and nodded slowly, rubbing at the tears on my cheeks, "No promises, I still might kick you or something."

Orion lifted his hand and touched my cheek, and I leaned my face into his hand, our eyes locked as he spoke, "No one deserves the nightmares," he said simply, "You have done nothing to deserve punishment, especially punishment of that kind of magnitude. Assault, rape, is something I believe no one deserves to go through, not even the cruelest of men or women. You are one of the strongest people I have ever met, Dakota, and all I want is for you to be happy and safe. I swear to you I will never let you be punished for loving someone. You can be exactly who you are now, without being afraid of persecution. You have nothing to be afraid of now."

I grit my teeth as fresh tears filled my eyes and dripped down my cheeks, and I shifted my eyes when I saw Beckett move. He was standing, staring down at the pocket knife, and he carefully brought it to his lips, whispering something before setting the knife down on the dresser in my room, then walked towards the bed where I was sitting, taking a seat to my right and leaning towards me, wiping the tears from my face with a thumb.