not known or familiar.
I get home from school with the feeling of a peach pit inside my stomach.
My room still has empty boxes from the move shoved into the corner. The walls are a melancholy yellow. I strung star lights up and now it looks like the sun is trying to consume the stars.
I sit on the carpeted floor. I light a cinnamon candle and play music while I do my homework. My mind keeps drifting to painting an empty canvas. My mom calls me for dinner.
It's chicken, mashed potatoes and garlic green beans. I sit and smoosh my potatoes down with my fork, watching them smash between the lines of the fork.
"How was school?" My dad asks me, he's still wearing a suit with his tie but his jacket is draped over the back of his chair. His dark hair is peppered with flicks of grey on the side.
"It was okay, I'm pretty sure I made a friend," I say, taking a green bean and letting it drop on my plate.
"That's wonderful," My mom chimes. I got my dark brown eyes and hair from her. I mostly got everything from her when it came to my looks. I didn't get anything from my dad except for the one tiny dimple I had on the left side of my face. He has one too.
Even though I looked especially like my mom I feel like I didn't even come from them, that maybe a stork had dropped me on their doorstep because of how disconnected I have always felt from them.
It makes me feel disconnected to myself.
They had done everything right when raising me, got me anything I needed, guided me with my homework when I asked for it but there was always something missing. I wasn't close with either of them and they seemed to like it that way so I had stopped trying to build trust with them. I had never wanted to defy them so they never had to set rules. It was normalcy that they wanted and I needed something more than that. We were the sides of the magnets that repel each other.
No need for each other.
***
The following day I spend too much time getting ready for school. I wear my favorite flannel, one that dips off my shoulder because it's big paired with a t-shirt dress and my black converse. I leave my hair down instead of my usual ponytail and finish it off with winged eyeliner which I had mastered when I was 13.
I say a goodbye to my mom as I grab a banana from the kitchen and then I'm out the door. Rhodes High School is only a few blocks from my house as is everything in Rhodes Oak. You can walk to everywhere and the smallness of it made me feel even more ordinary.
Fay greets me outside and is sporting a lace cami, ripped jeans and a puffy coat. "There's my new best friend," She smiles at me.
"Were you waiting for me?" The thought is sweet and warms me.
"Yeah, I wanted to make sure you remembered where first period was," She looks nervous. "I mean if you don't wanna hangout or have me walk with you it's totally fine."
"No! I like hanging out with you and besides I don't know anyone except for you, silly."
"Oh, yeah of course, duh," Fay tucks a strand of hair behind her ears. They're pink from the cold. I nudge her and together we walk to class.
Fay and I pass notes back and forth, she draws me a picture of Mr. Baker slipping on a banana slip. It makes me laugh softly. The bell rings and I tell Fay I'll see her in fourth period. I wish we had more classes together. She was comforting to have around.
Once I get to my english class I almost trip when I walk into the room. I stand frozen.
There he is.
