BTS AMBW - BLUE YOONGI

Dark Paradise

"Are you still sad?" I ask Yoongi as I lay my head on his shoulder.

"No," he simply says.

"Do you feel numb?"

"No."

"What do you feel?" I ask looking up at him.

"Nothing...I don't know how to describe it," he explains.

"Isn't that just numb?"

"No it's completely different...you won't understand until you.."

"I want to."

"Don't talk like that, Ciara," he says seriously.

"Why not?" I ask feeling annoyed.

"It makes me worry about you," he says standing up. I stand up with him and I reached out for him but he didn't hold my hand, "I think this has gone on too long," he says.

"What do you mean?" I ask tears filling my eyes.

"I watch over you and see you sad all the time...I've never wanted to do that to you. I want you to be happy and live your life."

"I can't just forget about you!"

"I'm not asking you to, I'm just..." he trails off looking down, "I want you to get over me." As soon as he said that my eyes opened and I had realized I had been crying in my sleep. I wipe my eyes feeling the same feeling I always do when I wake up. I wondered did his ghost really visit me when I slept. Or was it just my subconscious torturing me. I guess there's no proof for the existence of ghosts or spirits but there's also no way to disprove them right? It felt so weird cause it was so real. It was enough to just see him in my dreams but I think he just broke up with me. I wanted to go back to sleep to get answers from him but I had to go to school. I played one of his songs out aloud as I got ready. Jimin was already ready to go and just looked at me with that same tired look. I don't know why he seemed annoyed with me these days. I felt the same with Kaylee too, like they hated me. This made me feel even worse and more useless. My only friends left are annoyed with my existence. I don't really know what I have to live for. Jimin's mother's words always came back to me about how I could survive without Yoongi but no matter how true I knew that was it felt like every step I took I had to have someone hold me up.

"I'm ready," I say to jimin and he goes over to stop playing my music.

"Okay," he says walking out. Jimin wasn't even the same anymore. He always was cheerful and did nice things but it was like he gave up on me. Jimin drove us to school but before he let me out he stopped me, "How do you feel?"

"Fine," I say automatically. I thought if I said I was good it'd be a lie and I didn't want to tell others I was terrible so I've always settled with fine.

"Well...lets go out tonight then," he says.

"Really?" I smally smile since we haven't done anything in awhile.

"Yeah," he smiles and nods. I get out of the car feeling hopeful for the rest of the day. After school Jimin was waiting on me like he usually does.

"Where are we going?"

"Gonna eat somewhere," he says.

"Where?"
"Anywhere you want," he smiles.

"I want something really fattening," I say honestly. I just wanted to eat til I was stuffed. Jimins mom cooked well but I guess she was under the impression that since I was a vegan I only liked gluten free clean veggie everything type of meals, I guess it was healthy but I love processed fatty foods like any other American. We decided on a place that sells vegan cheese burgers.

"Gosh thank you so much Jimin," I say with my mouth full and he just laughs at me.

"I haven't seen you this happy in awhile," he comments.

"I guess food has that effect," I say, "But what about you? You've seemed down lately."

"Eh," he just shrugs his shoulders and eats his food.

"I suddenly feel hyper," I say feeling like dancing around the restaurant.

"Good," he laughs a little. As we went home I sang along to the songs on the radio and Jimin just kept looking over at me smiling, "If all it took to get you back to your old self was a burger I would've given it to you long ago," he says laughing. I giggle a little and Blue by bigbang came on the radio. My smile faded and I changed the station, "What? I like that song," he says. I just remain quiet not wanting to explain anything. Once he parks the car he stops me from getting out again. He looks over at me for a second and I frown wondering hat he was doing. He slowly leans into me but I push him away.

"What the hell Jimin?!"

"What?!" he yells frustratedly.

"My boyfriend just died!"
"It's been 6 months, Ciara."

"What's your point?" I get out of the car and storm off to my room feeling overwhelmed. Of course he follows me.

"Why are you even still holding onto him? He hit you! He didn't love you-"

"He did love me!!" I scream tears pouring out of my eyes, "You don't know shit! You weren't there! Don't tell me what my relationship was and what it wasn't. I still love him I can't just turn my feelings off because hes dead. I know he loved me..." I say pacing back and forth.

"He abused you, Ciara. It's been 6 months, I've been waiting for you to notice me since the beginning but you never have. You know what? When he died I was happy. I thought finally you would realize how terrible he was to you. But I guess you love guys who hit you-"

"Get the fuck out!" I push him and slam the door. I start hyperventilating and my tears won't stop falling. I couldn't take it anymore. Everyone telling me I should move on, everyone telling me he was a terrible person. Everyone telling me he didn't love me. I couldn't take it anymore and no one said anything after he died but now Jimin brought it up again. I just couldn't take it

"You need help, Ciara," he says then finally walks away. I cry myself to sleep that night and it wasn't even worth it. He wasn't there. Yoongi was nowhere to be found. I ran around to all the places we went together in my dream and he was nowhere to be found. He really did leave me. For real this time.