Throne of Glass and ACOTAR Crossover (complete)

Chapter 37 - Feyre

I don't think I sleep, but I must, because I wake up.

I wake up to a squeak-like sound halfway between excitement and surprise.

I wake up to Aelin's belated cry of "Don't!"

I wake up to arms wrapped around me and bright blond hair covering my entire field of vision.

I scream.

I lash out with my arms and feet, no plan to my attack, just utter panic. The grip on me lessens and I throw myself backwards. I think I hear something, maybe somebody trying to talk, but I can't hear them over my own screams and the panic in my mind.

Once I'm free there's no thought in my head except get away, get as far away as I can. I don't know how he found me, but it doesn't matter. I have to get away, because I can't do this again. I'm not strong enough.

In my panic I don't notice the small, strong body behind me until I crash into it. I make to run away again, but whoever is in front of me has a firm grip on my wrists and doesn't seem inclined to let go.

"Aelin."

Her voice is loud and calm.

"I am Aelin. Aelin."

I blink, clearing the panic from my eyes. When I can actually see clearly I realize that it is in fact Aelin holding my wrists. Her face is hard, but not unkind.

"Aelin. I'm Aelin."

She keeps repeating it, over and over. I feel tears well in my eyes and spill down my cheeks. It's Aelin. Just Aelin.

Shame bubbles up in my gut, replacing the panic. Blond hair. That's all it took to reduce me to a screaming madwoman. Blond hair. Of all the things to be scared of it this world...

Blond hair.

"What the hell?" the voice behind me makes me freeze in place. It is so familiar, so awfully familiar. It wasn't Aelin holding me before.

"Feyre ... what the hell?!" Mor's voice is so confused, so hurt, and so hopeful that my tears come faster and harder.

Why is she here? I didn't think they'd be here. I was counting on it. I was counting on having some time to figure it out, figure out how to tell them what I had done, how I had failed them.

"Feyre?"

I have to turn around, I have to face her, I have to give her some kind of explanation, but I can't. I don't even know if I can speak. And I sure as hell can't face her, tell her the story. I can't watch the moment when she starts hating me. I can't do it. I deserve it, but I can't do it.

Aelin still has a firm grip on my wrists, as though she's afraid I'll run away. I don't blame her. I still might.

The sound of a door banging loudly interrupts the tense silence that had befallen our group. The second he begins to speak my tears, which had abated some, come back in full force.

"Mor, I told you yesterday, I don't want to eat. So unless you have some relevant information..."

He trails off, the anger that had been in his voice fading to an almost painful kind of hope. I'm shaking, every fibre of my being crying out that this is too much. Too much pain, too much heartache, too much. I feel a brush of power against the mental shields I put up as soon as I got my powers back, but I don't react. I have put everything I have into those shields. They are all that stand between him and the knowledge of what I did.

"Feyre?"

I can't turn around. I can't I can't I can't I can't I...

"Damn." Aelin's voice is barely more than a whisper. If I was a step further back, I wouldn't have heard her.

She lifts her gaze from my face to look behind me. "Hold on for a second, both of you."

I hear the beginnings of protests, but Aelin yells again "I said HOLD ON!"

Her eyes flick to my side where I'm sure Rowan is standing. I feel the shift air move as he places himself at my back, between me and the people I can't see.

"Feyre what do you want us to do?" Aelin's voice is sharp, forceful. It's the kind of question you have to answer, but I don't know what to tell her.

"Feyre I need an answer." Aelin says "This is your life and your court. If you want us to get you out of here then that's what we do. If you want to stay and tell your family what happened to you, then that's what we do. If you want us to make them leave us here, then that's what we do. But we can't act until we know what you want."

The words I want to say, that I can't do this, that I need to get out, stick in my throat. I have already failed my family enough. They deserve to hear the truth, however horrible, from me. They should get the chance to hate me. And I deserve this pain. I should have to watch the horror on their faces when they realize how badly I failed.

So I will tell them, and then I will disappear. Because knowing them, if I stayed they might forgive me. I can't let them do that. I can't be forgiven. I gave up the right to be forgiven a long time ago.

"Let me by." I shudder at the sound of his voice, because I know this might be the last time that I hear it sound like that. Like he cares about me. Like he loves me.

Rowan begins to make a sound of protest, but I nod at Aelin, who must give him some kind of signal. I feel him move aside, and I hear light footsteps leading to the spot right behind me. Too close to me. I move away, one step. Just one. Aelin shifts backwards to make room. Then, slowly, I turn, and I'm standing face to face with him.

His violet eyes scan my face, my eyes. The expression on his features is so full of hope, and longing, and love, that it makes me want to cry. I try to memorize every line, every inch. I may never see him like this again. And selfish as it is, I want to remember him loving me.

"Rhys"

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