Throne of Glass and ACOTAR Crossover (complete)

Chapter 39 - Feyre

He's here. He's behind me. 

He's here. 

I can't breath. 

She's told him.

He hates me. 

He's here. 

He's here. 

I have to breath.

I just have to breath. 

In. 

Out. 

Breath. 

"Feyre" 

His voice, breaking the silence, finally stops my swirling, out of control thoughts. His voice gives me something to hold on to, something real. 

"Please look at me." 

I take a breath, a long, slow breath. I turn around. 

His face is white, as white as the snow outside. There's no emotion on it, nothing that would show what he has just learned about the girl he thought he loved. 

He is shaking. 

I am shaking. 

Neither of us says a word.

Finally, after a long, painful pause, he opens his mouth. I beat him to it.

"Please don't say you forgive me. Please don't. Don't lie to me."

My voice is weak, and it breaks on the last word. But I had to say it. I can't watch him pretend. Can't watch him lie to me and say that he doesn't blame me. He does. He has to.

Rhys shuts his mouth, then opens it again. He is looking straight into my eyes, and he doesn't blink when he says "I am so sorry."

I startle. It isn't what I thought he would say. It is the one thing I wasn't expecting. 

"For what?"

"If it wasn't for me, you could have been safe in the spring court. You could have had light and paint and probably a baby or two. You would have been safe. I'm sorry."

He looks so sincere. So painfully earnest. 

I'm flabbergasted. So much so that I almost forget what we're talking about. "You're sorry? I would have died. If it weren't for you, I would have died in that rose scented prison. You didn't ruin that life for me, you saved me from it!"

He know all this. I know he knows this. 

He meets my eyes, fiery determination burning in his stare. 

"And if not for you, I would have died under the mountain. I would have sat back and let them break me into dust. I would have let Amarantha destroy the world. I would have died when I returned, unable to forget the monster that was me for 50 years. I would have died in Hybern's castle, burdened by spells only you could break. You saved me. You save me. Every day. So don't say that I don't forgive you. There was never anything to forgive."

I can't speak. There's no words. 

He doesn't hate me. 

Tears stream down my face, and I don't bother brushing them away. There's no point; Rhys' face is wetter than mine.

"Thank you". the words are barely more than a whisper. 

I walk towards him, slowly, carefully. There is still a small part of me that doesn't want to be touched, a shadow on my soul that I don't know will ever disappear. Rhys sees it, and I see his eyes darken with fury for Tamlin. 

Finally I'm standing right in front of him, so close that I can see the individual teardrops caught on his eyelashes. He doesn't move, letting me decide what I can do, and what I can't. And that, that gesture of respect, of love, of Rhys, is what give me the strength to wrap my arms around him, and pull him against me. 

Slowly I feel his arms wrap around my back, holding me but not trapping me. His tears are soaking into my hair, and mine are leaving large wet circles on his shirt. 

"I missed you" His words are soft against my head. 

"I missed you too."

I pull back out of his hold. He lets me go. I walk over to the window and stare out at the snow covered mountains. A question, one that I hadn't bothered to ask before, bubbles to my lips. 

"Why are you here?"

"What?" from his voice I can tell that he's no longer crying. 

"The cabin. Why?"

"Oh." he sounds sheepish, "Amren kicked me out Velaris."

I turn around slowly, not sure I heard him right. "What?"

"You were gone. I didn't know where and I didn't know what was happening to you. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep ... after 3 days Amren told me that if I wasn't going to be useful than she couldn't stand to look at my ugly face anymore."

A pang of guilt hits me in the stomach. He was worried about me. He couldn't live his life properly because he was worried about me. 

I meet his eyes, and he shakes his head slightly. And that's all it takes, that movement, for me to know that its ok. That he doesn't blame me. It doesn't disperse the guilt entirely, just as it hasn't entirely erased the guilt for not getting out sooner, not stopping Hybern, but I can manage it. 

I can breath. 

And for now, that's enough. Breathing is enough. Happiness, forgiveness, perhaps that will come. 

But for now I'm happy with breathing. 

Hey all!

Sorry for the long wait, I've been trying to figure out how to write this chapter. Still not sure I'm entirely pleased with it but... hope you like it!

Don't forget to vote and comment below!

Also, in response to your enormous amount of support on the last chapter, I will continue writing this story until it's finished, even if ACOWAR comes out first!