SAVE ME // POETRY & PROSE

xxxi. 30th august [2AM: regret]

XXXI. 30TH AUGUST [2AM: REGRET]

i remember waking up and something felt odd. but my father greeted me with a smile and a kiss on the cheek like every other morning, so what could possibly be wrong?
i overheard him on the phone, but shrugged it off, after all, a ten year old shouldn't be making assumptions (i knew i had always felt a little more than everyone else, known a little more than everyone else, but i spent every goddamn year hoping it wouldn't be true, hoping to be normal).
i still can't believe the lies i was fed, and how much the truth hurt. my father allowed me to call your name time and time again without thinking twice about what was being done to me, tried to console me saying maybe this time you had really left, but i knew you'd never abandon me (however, you're still gone).

the day went by, and i hadn't laid eyes on you, not even once. then finally, mother arrived and i demanded questions (why was i so inquisitive, i wish i had kept my mouth shut, maybe i'd still believe you're out there somewhere and not rotting six foot deep). it was too much and her words flooded my brain as a tidal wave that couldn't be stopped.
soon the cold hard floor became my best friend as i laid on it, sobbing and hoping you'd come back (it's just a nightmare, i'd say to myself), and my shaky small hands tried to grasp something that would keep me connected to this life (despite no longer being small, they're still shaky and searching for the same thing as they were just five years ago).

home turned into a synonym for hell and everything reminded me of you. i begged them to take me away, so they did. and i wish they had never brought me back.
to this day, i still can't look at that same old white house without seeing the blood on my hands or taste the guilt, regret and pain on my tongue.

i'll never be able to say goodbye.
i know you're out there somewhere (god, how i wish i could believe this is true).

-- 5 years gone and i still miss you.
4 years gone and i still miss you two.
3 years gone and i still miss the three of you.
2 years gone and i miss you all.
( five years gone and i miss myself.)