An open ended letter to you

If you're still here

If you're still here,

Maybe you really do miss me.

Maybe you really did love me...

Maybe you really do believe that I am "the one".

Maybe you can admit to yourself that you made a mistake.

Maybe you wish you can go back to that night and change the outcome.

If you're still here,

Maybe you're looking for me to talk to you.

Maybe you're hoping I'll talk directly toward you.

So here are my words to you.

Matt...

I'm sorry I had to block you.

I'm sorry that my hurt hurts you.

I couldn't help it though.

I was hurting far too much.

I didn't want to get in the way of you and your new girlfriend,

Like everyone got in the way for us.

Maybe that's you wanted?

Maybe you wanted to relive our relationship with someone new...

I want to be your friend. 

I promise I do.

I will always love you,

No matter how many times I say differently. 

But right now,

At this point in time,

I can't do that.

I can't afford to unblock you because I don't know if I could survive.

I barely survived the last one.

I stopped eating.

I stopped drinking,

Though that's nothing new.

I holed up in my room.

My friends had to carry me to wherever they were hanging out,

Because I was too weak to do it on my own.

Don't stop reading.

I know it's hurting,

But stay.

You taught me how to be happy,

So I had to learn how to find it again without you.

And I did,

And I know you'll think this part is stupid,

But I found it in religion.

And I hope you find it, too.

I forgive you.

I forgive you for everything you've ever done to me,

Both, the things I know you did, and the things you did in the dark.

If the ring is too heavy, 

Send it to me, 

Please.

Lighthouse,

Do me a favor,

I know you miss your friends,

They miss you too,

So why have you not had any real connection to them since your move?

Game with them,

Chat with them,

Call them up and roast each other.

They love you.

For now, 

I have to stop talking about you.

Yes, I still do talk about you.

But it has to stop.

So it will.

I may write my feelings out to you,

But this is the last time I'll direct it to you.

For now.

Someday, I'll unblock you,

And I won't be powerless.

Find peace until then. 

I forgive you.

Maybe you're not here...

Maybe this was stupid.

Maybe you don't care.

Maybe you're talking to Naomi just to talk.

Maybe you're fine...

I hope you are.

Maybe this was all for nothing...

Not us, just this message.

No matter my pain,

I want you to know,

If I had the option to change it all,

I wouldn't.

Not one bit of it.

I loved it all.

I loved you all.

I always will...

I just can't right now.