An open ended letter to you

The anxiety you give me with my overthinking mind...

This is not fair.

It's not fair that you have this hold on me.

Every weekend I go out and paste a smile on my face in case you happen to be in the city that day.

Every time a motorcycle goes by I find myself holding my breath.

Not because I want to see you;

Quite the opposite.

It's because I'm terrified I will fall again. 

Not for you exactly,

Just in a deeper pit than before.

Swear to God,

I thought you ran up behind me last night.

I swear it was you.

This dude had the same grey, worn out, jeans.

He had a button down shirt with the same red tie you wore at Christmas.

He ran across the street in my direction the same way you used to...

He smiled at me and I tried not to cry because I wasn't sure if it was actually you or not.

I still can't be sure, 

But I've forced myself into believing their facial features were wrong,

That you'd be home and not right behind me,

That I was being irrational.

I've convinced my self it can't be you.

But maybe it was...

How would I know otherwise?

Cody posted a photo of him and I yesterday,

I noticed there was another like besides my own name,

But the second name didn't pop up.

I know it was you.

And I don't know why you would do that..

Maybe it's cause it's the first time you've seen my photo in a while...

Maybe it was to show dominance over Cody...

Funny to show dominance if you've already left.

And then the craziest thing,

The thing I can't figure out,

Is how these series of letters found their way into someones reading list,

With your same name...

With your same birth year...

And they just so happen to comment on the one letter I directed right to you.

I'm pretty sure it's you...

But I don't understand why it would be.

Aileen joked that it could be an obsessed fan...

So I'm pretending it's that until further proof.

Because, what would you get out of all of this?

This is my safe zone to rant everything.

I know I said I wanted you to find it,

But not until later in life...

I'm not willing to trick myself into coming up for a reason why you would be here.

So if it's you,

Maybe you can just tell me. 

That way I don't end up playing the same stupid guessing game.

If it's you,

Inbox me.

None of this subliminal messaging crap.

We're above all that.

Naomi told me you're single again.

I don't know if I believe it.

I've decided I can't,

Not with all of this happening.

So for my own safety,

It's on the pile of lies I've convinced myself you've told.

You don't get to complain about that.

I don't know what to believe anymore,

This is just easier.