Living Louder - n.h.

Chapter One

Chapter One

SARAHS POV

"Good. Stay like that. Great" Troy tells me snapping all kinds of shots, while I do what he says.

Just another day at the studio. People putting all kinds of stuff on my face, to make me look less me. My hair getting changed into five different styles, because one would be too easy and boring. Getting pushed into weird, uncomfortable cloths. Hot lights shining into my face, and trying not to sweat. It isn't always fun to be a model.

I just wish I had one of those pills right now; they make it all so much easier. With just a couple of those tiny pills a day, I can get through. But no one has to know that I take pills to make myself feel better, no-one.

My mum always wanted to be a model, but because she got drunk, hook up with a random guy, and got pregnant, she never lived her dream. She always tells me how that is my fault, but if she was just a bit smarter, she would have done it safe, and didn't get pregnant.

I sometimes wish she didn't get me, that she would have had abortion or something like that. She didn't get to live her dream so she forces me to live hers. I have to be the one who gets dressed up like a clown and she takes most of the money I earn with this job. That is not fair, if you'd ask me.

I wonder what would have happened if my dad was still in my life. Maybe he was a great, smart and sweet man who could have talked my mum out of this shit. Maybe I didn’t need those pills if he was still in my life. Maybe he does want me to have a normal life, as teenager, maybe he would've let me to collage. But all I can do I imagine how it would be. I have no idea who he is, and don't know if I ever will...

"SARAH, focus!" My mum yells getting my attention back to the shoot.

I am a hundred percent sure she will start about this later today. She will tell me that with this attitude I can't come anywhere, that no one wants a model with an attitude like mine. That she would have put me up for adoption, that I am miserable, that my life is nothing without her, bla bla bla. I have had that speech way to many times. I always just nod and say that she is right, but deep inside, I also wished she had put me up for adoption. I think my life would have been so different, maybe even good different.

-*-*-*-*-*-

"Sarah, it's always the same with you. You never focus. Do you even know how hard I work for this? You don't even deserve my help, or the money you earn with this" my mum tells me when we're back home.

"Yup, I am horrible" I say as I search through my bag, looking for the plastic see-through bag with tiny white pills.

"Well it's good that you finally understand that. Jesus, I am working my butt of for you and all you give is this horrible attitude? I really should've put you up for adoption, so you'd be off worse"

"Indeed, that would've been so much better"

Fuck, where are those pills? I got one before the shoot and put them back into my bag… maybe someone took them from me, but who? Maybe mum knows about the pills and flushed them down the toilet; she has no idea how expensive those things are.

"Go to your room, I don't want to see you any longer. Your salary is mine this month, don't care what you have to say about this"

"Mum, what the fuck? That's my money, I worked for it, you can't just take it from me. I need that money"

"I am your mother, so I can"

"That’s the most lame excuse I never heard"

"So? I don't care. Now go to your room, before I take more"

"Urgh, I really wished you put me up for adoption, you are horrible" I yell at her, seeing the anger in her eyes as her hand balls into a fist.

"You, little kid, ruined my life, so be happy I help you"

"Well if you had packed the sausage you wouldn't have had me, but you were too stupid for that" I yell at my mum, knowing that this is something that really hurts her, but right now I don't mind. I am sick of her telling me what to do. I hate her and she is allowed to know.

A flat hand hits my cheek, as I feel tears come up. My cheek starts to throb, as I feel it become hot.

"You better cool that, you don't want to look uglier as you already are tomorrow on the shoot" my mum tells me and walk away.

"Got that from you" I say and walk upstairs to my room, slamming my door so she knows I am not okay with her hitting me.

This has been the third time this month, and it's only the twelfth.

I just wish I could run away from here, from her, from this life. I wish I could start over somewhere else, but I can't. I have nothing, besides my secret pot full of money I got cash, or money I found. I think it's only a hundred bucks, maybe a bit more, but I can't go anywhere with that. And besides I need money for my pills.

I don't know my dad, my mother’s family are in a fight with her so that's also not an option, my only sort of friend is Cara, but she is always busy. Victoria is always gone, so also not an option.

I have nowhere to go, so I am forced to stay here with my mum, and do what she says.

I sit down on my bed and open the locked drawer of my nightstand; I sigh of relief seeing a little bag of pills and take them out. This will help me feel better, it will all be better after just one little pill.

I take one and swallow it. It took me a long time to swallow those things. I discovered them a couple of months ago, and had to encourage myself for taking one. But practice makes perfect, and now I swallow them without thinking about it.

Feeling that the pill already worked, I grab my phone, plug in some head phones, turn up the volume and press play. The sound of Jared Leto's voice is bursting into my ears, as I jump around in my room singing along with the words of Do Or Die.

"AND THE STORY GOES OH-OH-OH-OH" I yell as my mum storms into my room.

"HEY" she yells angry pulling my headphones out.

"Asking isn't that hard you know?"

"Stop singing, you are breaking the windows, and your jumping just let the lamp fall off the ceiling"

"Oops" I say trying to hold my laughter.

"It's your fault, so go fix it" my mum points.

"Urgh fine" I say waking out sticking my tongue out to her.

"Keep that thing in, or I'll cut it off in your sleep"

Sure, like she would do that. If someone is a chicken, she is. She yells at me, but is too afraid to tell people at stores they made a mistake by taking the wrong since of her shirt she was fitting.

But not when she is drunk. When she is drunk, her confidence rises up to a zillion and she can do everything she wants, without thinking. Just like the time she got me, she is way too shy to talk to a man when she is sober. Alcohol can do horrible things to you.

 AN

HI thanku for reading thing. hope you enjoyed it, Niall will be a part of this pretty soon so it won't take long till he dances around in this story.
Please tell me what you think.
bye