Almost Broken. (Finished.)

They be the broken

Today is the day of the next group, I've been thinking all week about sharing something, but I'm really not sure. It seems too soon, and not soon enough, Suga and Yahaba said I can share whenever I'm ready, and I want to be ready, it's just hard but I think this will really help me, in some sense even though I still have trouble speaking, I learned fast "there" not to talk unless I couldn't scream anymore, sometimes I'd get hurt more when I screamed but there's no way to become completely silent at times
Today is also one of my better days I didn't sleep much but I actually got up at ten and had a shower, and I said goodbye to my mother before she ran off to work, I think she needs to take some time off but I don't think she can seeing as it's our only way of income but still I feel useless in that sense because I can't work, my right leg is completely messed up, I found out last week when it wasn't getting any better that'd I'd need a cane. It's annoying and I feel older than I am, but It's better than It hurting all the time I guess. They still said I couldn't work yet. But I feel like a burden.

It's three in the afternoon, I'm waiting for Suga, watching tv until he comes over to take me to the group that's not till a lot later, so today I have to feed myself, and make sure I'm okay. Suga thought I was mentally and physically okay to take care of myself for a little while before he came to got me. Aka his way of I need a break from you for today, I can't blame him he hasn't had much time for himself since I came into his life, he has to be my "friend" and he still needs to work, and take care of himself and his boyfriend.

I get up and get and make myself something easy to eat at four, I just made a salad that my mom packed in the fridge she said it was just something easy for me to eat because I can't make anything anymore, anyway. I used to be able to make things and take care of myself. Now not so much.
At four twenty I get a text from Suga. I check it

"How are you?" It says. Leave me alone, I can't take care of myself if you're checking up on my every few hours, I don't say that, I just reply with a simple "Fine"

A few seconds later he replies "That's good, I'm glad. Do you still want to go this tonight?" He asks. Why can't he just worry about himself right now and take care of himself

I text back "I guess so." I reply

I'm kinda looking forward to being near people, I went last week yes, but this time I think all be more okay, because my anxiety pills have been working better than before now that I've been on them longer, I'm happy about that, but it's still bad and annoying taking them all the time, they said it should kill all my anxiety, but I still feel anxious at times, I guess that's normal? They came at the end of last week and I have to take them every day when I wake up

I finish eating and set the bowl on the coffee table in front of me. I look through so more of my texts the only ones I have are from the guy from a few months ago and Suga, my mom doesn't have a phone so I have the number for her work in case I'm in trouble even though I don't like calling people the most I do is text sometimes, I try to stay away from my phone at all costs. Before I was so attached to my phone, I didn't have it on me, I remember how proud I was that I worked hard enough to buy it myself, It was used but it was mine, now It feels like an alien device. I go on to the text messages with that guy, you'd think I'd just delete the texts and the number but I've just never texted someone who acted the way he did. Even when I texted "him" it never seemed that way, sure he was different and seemed so at peace and fun, but this guy just felt so comfortable and happy, even if he wasn't and he was kinda funny, I liked his friends and the way they talked, I never had friends like that, it was all so fake and planned in some way, I kinda want to text this guy but I'm just so scared and unsure of myself I just don't want it to happen again. Suga says I'm ready to sometimes take care of myself, but I can't tell if this is going to help, it could just make it
worse, I just don't want to be afraid anymore, I can't take the risk though.