Broke Me in Half

XXIX

I tore my room apart, I ripped all my clothes down from my closet. I was throwing a tantrum. No one was home. It was just me and against my head. I punched a few ways. I was angry, I was hurt, I was numb.

It was the worst day of my life. I finally messaged Jared and I go off on him. We weren't together. Not at all. It was a reality that he let me live in.

A sickening one.

He told me to calm down and that everything was going to be okay. But then he finally let the truth out. I finally knew what kind of person Jared was.

This whole time, or when ever the fuck it was, he was talking to another girl. And it's not even that I got mad about him talking to her. He let me believe that we were still together, still dating. He made me look like a fool.

I felt so sick, I started to get sick. I couldn't stop crying and I could not remember when is the last time I ever cried over a guy. Which was problem never except for my dad. Now he lied to me, and what is so fucked up about it is that I was so caught up in him.

He used me.

Now I couldn't believe Jake didn't tell me but I didn't blame him because once again they are best friends. I could just remember the blood boiling in me and me telling Jared how much I hated him at that moment. I wanted to scream.

I wanted to run and hide, because I've became a monster.

I literally deleted everything and blocked him. I didn't even let him explain. Now you are probably thinking. I should of. But for what, nothing would change.

Again, I was alone.

Now I don't blame him for falling for another girl. It's not like I was ever good enough right? Now you are probably thinking shut the fuck up. But listen to me for once. Visualize this in your mind.

As I sat there, for 4 or 5 hours crying, I wanted to go back to cutting.

I wanted to kill my self.

They say, a mom took 9 months to form a heart and that you should never let a guy break it in the matter of 60 seconds. Sorry mom.

Jared played me dirty. And you might think there has to be the other side but, there is. But I choose not to listen because it's better that way.

Jared never loved me. He never gave a damn about me. All along, I felt this feeling that he would do something and she's the only thing he sees now. He probably lied about everything just like he did about her. I don't even know if she's pretty.

I don't think I should. I didn't talk to anyone for a few days. I told Jake if he still wanted to be friends, he had to delete my number off of Jared's phone and never talk about him again. Or else I would get rid of him too.

31:21 I will always hate those numbers.

My mistake was not falling for Jared, it was adding him back on snap chat.
That's where I fucked up. And that's when he fucked me over. Now you might be thinking that long distance relationships don't work. Don't say that, because there's tons of YouTube videos of couples that made it.

It took me 2 weeks to stop crying I think. My eyes where sore and tired, people asked what was wrong at school. And I couldn't help running to the bathroom and to start crying.

God damn you Jared.

So now I'm left with his stupid verse from his song, the lullaby, and his dreams.

There's not a day where I don't think of him. I see Jared all the time because of Jake's snapchat. And it hurts. Love hurts.

If you ever love someone, take caution. And see who they really are.

I wish I never met him.
But I also wish... he would come back.. or try to make an effort of apologizing but those don't exist do they?

I've made a mindset that there are no good guys in this world, and if there is... it's only temporary.

Now I was going to perhaps commit suicide and leave this for Jared.

It's 3 AM,

this is the part where you like to haunt my mind,

just five more minutes, but i'm about to draw this line.

these thoughts and emotions are killing me inside,

all this pain is really just a "joyride",

so please leave my lonely life so I can be okay.

I just need a little weed and to chill by the bay

so please don't come back to wipe these meaningless tears,

I've drank too much to make it clear.

so this is goodbye, it ain't a disgrace

because it's 3 AM, i'm tryna put myself in my place.

But I felt there was much more to live for.
And weeks later, I fell in love with the world, and land... the animals...
And outer space. Something that couldn't hurt me.

Something that wasn't you Jared.