Undercover (Phan)

Chapter 13

Phil's POV

Dan and I decided to settle on some of the corny horror movies on Netflix, giving commentary on everything that was happening and laughing more than being scared. I have discovered though that when Dan gets jump-scared, he doesn't just give a little hop or yelp; it's a full-body experience. And he screams quite loudly. It's very funny. I think I've formed a six-pack just from laughing at him getting jump-scared alone. He had a very high-pitched and girly scream, which is also quite amusing. I've got to admit, I'm having loads more fun with him than I've had in quite a long time.

I will also admit that I did kind of like the little moment we had earlier, when we were talking about our parents...I do think he needs some help with his situation, and I'm happy that he's starting to trust me with it. I can tell that it's hard for him to talk about, so it makes me feel kind of honored that he feels comfortable enough to discuss it with me.

"Look at that dumb bitch, hoping her boyfriend will save her from the killer when he obviously is the killer," Dan says before beginning to talk in a high-pitched voice, "Oh, Randy, the big bad murderer is after me, save meeee!" He exclaims before dramatically leaning on my shoulder with a damsel-in-distress-like sigh.

I laugh and shove him off of me, my stomach filling with butterflies.

"You're a dork."

"A dork that clearly seems to be amusing you."

"You've got me there," I say.

Dan smiles, "Do I really keep you as entertained as you act like I do?"

"Honestly? You really do."

There's a pause.

I'm contemplating telling him...

I mean, I know I've only known him a short while, but he and I have just seemed to really be connecting lately. We get along so well and I think he and I have made it clear that we can trust each other. He and I have really been opening up to each other lately. Just a couple hours ago, we talked about our dead parents and related to each other in completely unimaginable ways for being such a short amount of time.

I guess the reason why I'm so scared of it all is because I've got a lot of insecurities. I know that's normal for your average high school student, but I can't help but feel like my insecurities are on a whole other wavelength. I doubt Dan will have anything judgmental to say about me, but what if he catches on to what I've been trying to hide? What if something goes wrong? There's probably several other "what if"s that I could think of too, but I've got to tell someone about this eventually, or I'll never be happy.

I haven't been fully, truly happy, in quite some time. Obviously, some things that have been happening in my home life have contributed to that. My dad isn't around anymore, my mom isn't mentally around anymore, and Martyn is away at University. I've got PJ and Chris and Louise, sure, and I love them with all my heart and I trust them and care for them, but...there's just something different about Dan, and it's not just the obvious things. Maybe it's the fact that he and I have known each other for a less amount of time; he didn't know who I was before all of these negative things came into my life and began to have an impact on me, so he doesn't quite know what there is to worry about because he doesn't have my past self to compare who I am now to.

Even with Kaitlin, my ex-girlfriend, I was never truly happy. She made me smile when I was sad, she treated me right, she was beautiful, but she wasn't...the one. Not all of the physical or mental intimacy in the world could ever make me truly fall in love with her. She was my first real relationship, and my first a lot of other things, so she'll always hold some kind of special place in my heart; we're even still friends to this day. The break up was hard, but we managed to pull through. We don't talk very often because she's a year older than me so she's off at University now, but she and I get along whenever we do see each other because she and I just sort of have an understanding of each other...Even though I've never officially told anyone who I really am, I think she always just sort of knew from the get go, which was why even though the break up really hurt her, she ended up being so okay in the end; she just knew. And that's why we get along so well today in those instances when we do see each other. The last time I saw her was at my father's funeral.