Undercover (Phan)

Chapter 7 (Trigger Warning)

A/N: If you're anxious and prone to anxiety attacks, part of this chapter could be triggering to you, HOWEVER, it could also be helpful because I made sure to include methods of calming yourself down during an anxiety attack because I have anxiety too and so I've written down things that I've done to help me in anxiety attacks.

Phil's POV

Too much information. Far too much.

I hope Dan doesn't think I'm too weird for leaving so soon, but I had to get out of there. I couldn't risk it. I think I'm starting to let the words of others get to me. I suppose they're just trying to help me, but I've been trying to prove them wrong with everything that's been going on? What if they're right? I suppose I do need to keep an eye out. Under normal circumstances, I would, but I think I'm letting my emotions get in the way...

Dan is extremely cool so far, and he's a really nice guy. I like hanging out with him and getting to know him? Could that be a problem? Yeah, I think it could. I'm going to keep my cool around him and try to ease the suspicions that I'm sure he has of me. I don't want him to figure me out too quickly. I'm not ready for that yet. I just need to stay cool for a little while longer until...I don't know what. Until I figure some more things out I guess.

What must it have looked like when I just all of the sudden up and left? It was for good reason, but he doesn't know that. I need to learn to not be anxious around him. That's a lot easier said than done, but I don't need him thinking something of me that either isn't true, or something that is in fact very true but that I'm not ready to have out in the open yet. But how do I not be anxious around Dan? I'm anxious around everyone. Maybe I could just tell him that I get anxious easily...But could I do that? I haven't even told Chris or PJ or Louise and I've known them a hell of a lot longer than I've known Dan. I guess the reason why is because the thought of talking about my anxiousness makes me that much more anxious.

Although, the fact that I haven't known Dan very long may be an advantage. With Chris, PJ and Louise, they've known me for forever, so if I were to tell them now that I'm becoming an anxious person, they're going to know why and they're going to worry about me and I don't want to put that on them. Dan, however, might just think that I've always been anxious and know how to deal with it by now - which I don't, but he doesn't need to know that part yet. I don't know Dan very well, but he doesn't know me either. I get a fresh start with Dan, which just might be helpful to me in the end.

When I see him again, I'll have to just apologize for being so weird and tell him that I'm an anxious person. I can wait until I get to know him a little bit better to tell him the reasoning behind all of that. I've only just met the guy, so I don't think he needs to know the details of all of those things just yet.

Then again, he did tell me his mother died.

I'll have to think about it.

I don't want to be too vulnerable around him.

I walk into my house. When I shut the door behind me, I lean back against it and exhale. I'd started running a couple blocks back and I didn't stop until I reached home. My school uniform is now wrinkled and sweaty and my backpack feels like it weighs a ton. I take a couple more breaths, my legs and sides burning. I set my backpack down, remove my blazer and kick my shoes off. Then I pick my backpack back up and walk into the family room where my mother is still sitting, appearing to have not moved a single inch, still watching the news.

"Back so soon, sweetie?" She asks me, eyes on the television screen.

I shrug, "He started asking too many questions, if you know what I mean. I just got a little uncomfortable."