Undercover (Phan)

Chapter 15 (Trigger Warning)

A/N: Trigger warning, SPOILER, Phil comes out to his mom in this chapter and I know for some of you that's a scary thought. SPOILER, it doesn't go badly for Phil, but for some if you it might or it already did go badly for you, so I thought I'd put a trigger here anyway just in case.

Also, I'm writing in English class again because fuuuuuuuuck it.

Phil's POV

I was a little apprehensive at first about coming out to Dan so soon, but I honestly think it's turned into one of the best decisions I've ever made. He was really cool about it and has really been a friend to me about it, which is exactly what I need. The fact that coming out to him didn't go as badly as I thought it might has given me some faith that it won't go badly when I start telling other people either. I've become a lot more confident about the situation all of the sudden.

I think I'm just tired of feeling like I've got something to hide when I've already got so much going on as it is. I hate that me being gay is another thing that I have to worry about. I don't want to worry about it. I just want it to be out in the open and taken care of so that I don't have to continue to constantly think about it. It's one of the only things in my life right now that I can actually take care of and fix right now; it's one of the only things in my life I really have a lot of control of right now. 

I'm not too much of a control freak, but when you've gone months without feeling like you've got control of anything in your life, you kind of grasp onto the little things that you can control. However, it just so happens that, for me, this thing that I can control is kind of life altering. I don't think I have too much to worry about. My family will be accepting, for the most part, but I am afraid of dropping this kind o a bomb on them after everything that we've all already been though. I do know that I want to come out soon though.

I'm tired of hiding things.

The day after I came out to Dan, we went to school the next day and acted like normal. He asked me how I was feeling and if I was doing okay. I told him I was feeling fine and thanked him again for being so cool about it all. Other than that though, it didn't really come up aside from the occasional awkward glance in my direction whenever we passed Cosette in the hallway. Dan and I were walking around in the hallway before class yesterday and she threw a flirty wave in my direction as we passed her. Dan and I simply glanced at each other, having reached the point in our friendship where we can sort of communicate telepathically, for lack of better words.

I don't plan on talking to Cosette about the flirting until after I publicly come out as gay; it'll just make things easier that way, I think. I feel like if I simply just tell her that I'm not interested in her, she'll think I'm playing hard to get or something and continue with her flirtiness. I mean, I can't say I'm not flattered. Cosette is one of the prettiest and most popular girls in the school and she's interested in me of all people. If I were straight or even bi, I would be hopping right on that train. But I'm not, and I've finally really come to terms with it.

I do want to come out soon. I don't like hiding, and I think I've got a pretty accepting group of people surrounding me. Will there be bumps in the road? Sure. But I've accepted that and I'm ready to face whatever may be headed in my direction. It's time that I take some control of the things that I'm able to take control of in my life, and this is definitely going to be the first.

Dan and I arrive at school around the same time on Friday. I get out of my car and meet him on the steps going up to the school.

"Hey," I greet.

"Hey."

"Did you do the homework for Nickson last night?"

"Yeah."