Letters through the dark night

Letter 6

"You can never run away from your shadows, from your monsters. They are your true enemy, and the sad thing is, you are your own hero. No one can save yourself, except you."

I found out the hard way that you can never run away from your inner turmoil, inner monsters, inner dreams, inner emotions, inner whatever it may be.

You can run, try as you may - they will turn back on you. Corrupt you, change you, swallow you whole until you desperately drown in the hopes of escaping the darkness within.

For years and years I have run and run, thinking I can outwit them. That I was strong enough, brave enough to be conscious of them, thinking that I actually beat them.

Turns out that I haven't.

I've lured myself into the lion's den, weapons thrown away, all by myself in my weakened state.

It just happened.

Not with a click, no, not with a blink of an eye - I just realized gradually that something - changed.

I couldn't cry anymore. Not for long anyways.

I would shed a few slight baby tears, perhaps be mad for a little second... but that's it.

I couldn't even express or even fully comprehend whatever that was going on in my mind it was just to bizarre.

I couldn't let go.

It is the worst thing for anyone to ever experience.

Oh no it's not what you think.

I can let go just fine.

You hurt me?

It's okay I don't hate you.

I forgive you.

You annoy me?

It's okay I don't hate you.

I forgive you.

I hurt me?

It's okay I don't (Do I?) hate you.

I forgive (Do I?) you.

Again and again and again it's just annoying.

More than annoyance, more than fear, more than anger, more than vengeance, more than anything hurtful -

I couldn't let go of myself.

I don't know if I'm right or wrong. It's all perspective.

I blame myself if things go wary.

I blame myself if people get mad.

I blame myself if people get lost.

I blame myself for everything.

Because I believe it.

And that's the thing.

I drown in the piteous seas of sadness and refuse to swim up and grab a sail.

I jump out of the cliff.

I crawl down the hole.

I sing for the predators.

I risk my lives for thieves.

Is that just me?