Nostalgia

Chapter Three

I immediately let my body fall on the sofa when I got home. Earlier I was starving but I could not stand because I was tired of walking and queuing earlier. I remember the man who helped me earlier. Why I didn't ask his name?

"Hold my hand. I'll protect you."  His voice echoed in my mind. I touched my stomach when I felt weird and familiar feeling. Why does my system react to him like this? It felt so weird to feel that I've known someone who I never met before. It felt like I've known him for years. But he seemed distant and tensed, so it's impossible to think that way. 

Do normal people skip introductory lines? Or he just wants to be mysterious type of guy?

Never mind, I just ask him the next time I bump into him.

I was about to take a nap when my eyes suddenly opened and I hear mama's voice.

"Yumiko? Andito ka na pala? 'Di ko man lang naramdaman pagdating mo?"

I got up from lying down, "I just arrived, sorry I'm so tired, hassle yung pila at siksikan Ma." I replied.

"So tell me what happened." she asked excitedly, I told her everything that happened at the university.

"It took me a while Ma e. I got lost, but it's good that someone helped me." I did not include my loss of consciousness, even though she said I was safe, I knew she would still rush me to the hospital if she found out I had lost my consciousness at the university.

"Didn't you just ask questions? 'Nak it's too easy and simple task. Just ask, learn to communicate with other people."

I gave her a blank look. "Seriously Ma? I can't. I was so afraid. I can't recall how many time I bumped into people there earlier and I was trembling! I was so scared." she just laughed at my embarrassment. What a great mother.

"Nak, there's no harm on asking. Kaya nga hindi kita sinamahan 'cause I want you to step out on your comfort zone. I do not want you to hide here forever! It will be difficult for you to adjust to your new environment if you don 't try. You get my point? " I looked away.

I am anxious of the thought. "It 's really hard for me to adjust. What if I don't have friends? Given that I'm older than them. They might think I'm too matured when it's the other way around."

Mama sighed, "Come on nak, don't over think things. You'll make friends. I believe you can make it. Mana ka yata sakin!" she cheered me up. I smiled. Somehow it relieved me from my negative thoughts.

Maybe I should start believing myself. I won't gain something if I keep putting myself down, right? There's no harm in trying just like Mom said ..

"Yeah. I think I can make it." I half-heartedly said. She gave me a reassuring smile which gave me strength and courage to take the risk.

"I don't want you to be forever afraid of anything Nak. As long as I am here .." she combed my hair and kissed my forehead, "There's no reason for you to be afraid of anything." I nod, kissed her on her cheeks. We exchanged genuine smiles.

"Mabuti naman at di ka nawalan ng malay doon 'Nak?" she asked with mixed concern, I just rolled my eyes defensively. "See? You can do it alone, you don't need mama's help anymore." she smiled. If she only knew she might have a nervous attack earlier and taken me to the doctor.

***

After that conversation we ate immediately, I already had two plates but I still feel like my stomach is not full.

"Masyado ka yatang nagutom sa pag-enroll iha?" manang Fe asked, I just nodded at her because my attention was focused on the food.

"Ginutom sa nerbyos Manang. Baka nga nahimatay na yan kung natagalan pa doon eh." I don't know if she's trying to crack a joke or concern. 

I immediately went up to the bedroom to rest. Dahil di pa ako natutunawan sa dami ng kinain ko kanina, I decided to picked up my laptop and browsed.

I do not have social media accounts and I only go to youtube for entertainment, when I felt bored I dug up the laptop folders, even though I had almost memorized everything or photos there.

Suddenly I frowned when I saw a RAR file,

"Ngayon ko lang 'to nakita ah?"

Omoide was the file name.

I tried to open it but I did not know the password I failed. I tried several times but I could not open the file.

"What's in the file at talagang may password pa."

Omoide.

"Yumiko.." A familiar voice echoed in my mind.

"Mahal kita."  those words kept running in my mind. 

I do not understand why I am intrigued by the file name. Memories? Where? Nakatulog na lang ako kakaisip kung ano ang password ng RAR file.

***

The next day, my mom and I decided to go shopping for my school supplies for the upcoming school year.

"Nak, look! Just binder to make it easier to carry, not too heavy." she suggested while showing me a binder with a hello kitty design, I frowned at her.

"Ma, seriously? Hello kitty?" I hate that color! The style is too girly and childish. Imbes na kunin ang binder na kinuha niya, I turned around looked for other designs.

"I think this looks fine, Ma," I showed her the binder. The design is autumn.

Autumn.

"Yumiko.." biglang nagsitaasan ang balahibo ko sa narinig. 

"Yumiko.." Nilibot ng aking paningin ang paligid sa pagbabakasakaling makita ang sinumang tumawag sa akin. Guni-guni ko lang ba iyon?

"Yumiko? Are you alright?"  napapiksi ako sa tapik ni mama sa aking balikat. Lumingon ako sa  mga nag-aalalang mata niya, tinago ko ang dinaramdam at pilit na ngumiti sa kanya.

"Yes Ma," Bakas sa kanyang mukha na nag-aalala sa nangyayari sa akin. Iwinaksi ko sa isip ko ang pakiramdam at nagpatuloy kami sa counter para magbayad. Panay lingon si mama sa akin, halatang sinusubaybayan ang mga bawat galaw ko kaya umaktong ako na parang wala lang nangyari.

Agad kaming kumain sa isang Japanese restaurant. Bahagyang um-okay na rin ang pakiramdam ko.

"Wala ka bang may nararamdaman na kakaiba Miko?" hindi pa rin mawala ang pag-aalala at kaba sa mukha ni mama, ngumiti ako sa kanya bago magsalita.

"I'm really okay now ma, medyo nahilo lang ako sa shopping natin kanina pero okay na po ako ma." paninigurado ko sa kanya.

"Okay.. Basta if you ever feel something, tell me right away okay?"

"Of course ma. I will."

Pagkatapos kumain ay agad kaming umuwi sa bahay, masyadong nag-aalala si mama sa kalagayan ko na baka maulit ang naramdaman ko kanina.

"Go to your room anak, get some rest. I'll call you kapag kakain na." Tumango naman ako at humalik sa pisngi niya. Umakyat ako sa kwarto at nilagay sa gilid ng study table ko ang pinamili kong school supplies. Humiga ako sa kama at nakipagtitigan sa kisame. Bigla kong naalala ang binder na binili namin kanina. Agad kong kinuha ito sa supot at pinasok sa shoulder bag na gagamitin ko sa pasukan, ngunit agad ko rin itong kinuha at pinagmasdan ang disenyo.

Autumn. Bakit may 'di maipangalanang epekto sa akin ang imaheng ito?

May kinalaman ba ito sa nakaraan ko?

Binuksan ko ang laptop at dumiretso sa file. I typed the word 'Autumn', nagbabakasakaling iyon ang password.

Pero Hindi.

I do not know how to feel or react to what is happening to me. Those dreams and illusions suddenly appeared. Especially what happened earlier, it seems like there was something that happened in the autumn that gives me nostalgic feeling.

Is it still part of therapy? Or I'm starting to unfold the answers of my questions?