Notes // Mashton

Chapter Forty-Three

Forty-Three.

*Ashton's POV*

' Why me? Why?

I've tried to be a decent human being, but I guess I must be the worst. Every thing I do, in the end becomes blood dripping off my wrists and me in a ball crying against a wall.

I would do anything to be normal, to be like every other human on Earth, but that will never happen, will it? I must be some monster that everyone hates.

Someone used to tell me to follow my dreams, and my dreams are being killed or killing myself. I think I should follow my dreams because no one fucking wants me around, the world would be a much greater place without me.

Lately life has been getting worse by the day. About a month ago I thought I was getting better, but of course life never gets completely good. There has to be some sort of sadness in your life. But I should've been told this before the sadness hit me in the face.

I guess the sadness really began again on New Years Day. When I saw Michael kissing the girl, something inside of me wanted to scream out, fall down on the ground and let tears fall down my face until I was dehydrated. I don't think breaking up with him was the right choice, but I believe that even if I was with Michael, the 'demons' inside my head would still keep me miserable.

And just when I started to be a tiny bit happier, fucking management had to give Michael a girlfriend. Everytime a picture of Michael and Cecelia come up on my Twitter feed, I get a tiny step closer to crying. It seems as though everyone ships Micelia.

I don't really know why I still bother to write in this diary, when Michael probably reads it all the time whenever he sticks a sticky note on the cover. Also I already know everything that has been going on in my life. But since I have already started my entry, I may as well finish it and continue on with my meaningless life.

So going on, I think that I won't ever be happy again. I have too many scars that just won't fade, and I'll be stuck with forever. Honestly, I don't know if I will ever make it to twenty years old, or if I'll even make it to the next month, but I really hope that one day I can feel happiness once again.

I still can't figure out what started my sadness, but I can't remember a time where I was actually genuinely happy. It might have started when I joined 5 Seconds of Summer, or it may have been before that. Sometimes I wonder if I never joined the band if I would have been happier.

Anyway I think that this is all I really have to say right now. I will probably write again when something else happens. Goodbye for now.

-Ashton '

Shutting the book, I placed it on the table next to my bed before lying down on my bed and doing nothing. I looked around the room for a while, trying to think of something to do so I wouldn't have to exit my room. Since Michael found out, I only went out to the kitchen to get food, and I hadn't spoken to anyone.

I was pretty sure Michael didn't want to speak to me either, because he hadn't tried to interact with me. We hadn't even seen eachother since then, I wasn't sure if he was in the house. Luke and Calum were oblivious to the situation, so they were just confused on why I was ignoring them.

After deciding that there the only thing I could do was listen to music, I grabbed my phone from the bedside table. Plugging in the earphones, I turned up the volume and turned on a song. But even with the music as loud as it could go, I could still hear all of my thoughts.

"Ashton?" I heard a knock on the door as a song ended. I took the earphones out of my ears and waited for whoever it was to walk in.

"Ashton? Are you in there?" Michael's voice called.