Confession Sessions

The Unhappy Ending

This is a story about a girl who never get the chance to tell how he felt for the guy he loved…

Ever since i was a child, my family taught me that.. "In order for a beautiful flower to bloom, certainly you would need a sacrifice". A life is possible thanks to others sacrifice. A sacrifice out of duty, out of a promise… or even out of love.

But is it worth it?? To sacrifice your whole being just for the sake of proving your love. Just so you would be able to show that person how true your feelings are. Would the promise just end up like a pile of sand blown off by the wind? Or a promise that is carved on stone, never to be erased, even by time itself…

This is my story… this might be my last chance…

My name is Carla. I’m 17. My unfortunate life is not really a nice story to tell, but I am willing to take the risk of letting my emotions go as I am typing this piece. As I am trying to compose my thoughts to put out words, my regrets start to gnaw me once again. My sanity is gnawing my soul as I can’t figure out the answers to my questions. What is my purpose of living? Why do I exist? Is the reason why I exist is to suffer? Why do I have to suffer these consequences? What did I do wrong?

Countless losses. I lost the ones I love because of me. I deserve no love from other people so I try to be distant. Then again, why is it that when you tend to grow lonely, someone comes along to fill that empty gap in your existence? Is it coincidence or fate? Up until now I long for the answer. But I am losing time.

I promised to myself that I will never fall in love. Sounds ironic, but I actually broke that promise. Because I learned to love someone.

Neil. That is his name... the only friend I ever had. The only man I will eternally love. No questions asked. My love for Neil will never fade away. My love will never wither nor shatter. Our love will go beyond time and exist throughout the years.

We started out as friends back in third year HS. We belong on the same peer group where I am the only girl. But on some situations, being on an all-guy group can cause so many gossips. Even worse, your friends tend to fall in love with you. I don't know why they end up that way. The only things that repeat itself are their same answers...

"Because you're so nice, you're cute, quiet and very smart. You're all I ever wanted in a girl."

Lies...

That’s what comes in to my mind. Lies. They only say that because they don't know much about me. Even if they would risk on getting a chance to know me better, I doubt that they will still love me. No one would ever love someone like me. But then again…

That route inside my head turned when I got closer with Neil. We became acquaintances. Then friends. Being with Neil was all I ever wanted.

Neil and I were the same in so many ways. Our lives show the same pattern or courses. Our woes and sorrow end up being threaded by one another. We can comfort each other in times of loneliness. You might ask... What about happiness? Were you guys ever happy?

Of course we were. But we still kept a few secrets hidden. We would share stories, but nothing personal. Our friendship still stayed blank even though something is being cuddled up inside my heart... until one day....

It was our prom day. We were all inside the ballroom, where it was dimmed and only the light that illuminates the whole place were the sparkling lights above us. Everyone got into their gowns and suits, looking elegant, while some looked like cakes with their gowns. Others were being rejected while some get anxious. I stayed calm and cool throughout the night; I wore a white gown by the way. But I am not feeling that very well. At times I would leave our table just to hurl at the ladies room. I cough and cough, as my chest feels as if it’s being crushed. Blood spits came out. My fears are coming true. I am getting worse each day.

After hurling, I went back to our table, when suddenly Neil came and sat beside me. He asked me "Are you feeling alright, you look tired?"

 "Who? Me? I'm okay. I just feel cold."

"Here, borrow my jacket so you wouldn't catch a cold".

He placed his jacket on my shoulders and wrapped it on me gently. He smiled at me and patted me on the head. "You know, you look cute as always. But I like it better when you smile".

I do admit that even though I act cold, my heart can never lie. My heart started pounding, I tried to say something. But words won’t come out. I got lost in his gaze while listening to his gentle voice.

"Oh by the way, you love hydrangeas right? I saw a whole bunch of them on the garden. It’s raining though, but we can simply look at it through the balcony. Want to see it?"

He then offered his hand waiting for my response. "Really?  umm, o-okay. But only for a while." Neil then held my hand with care and assisted me.

When we got to the balcony, it was still raining. I have bad memories about the rain. I just couldn't stand it. But when I saw the hydrangeas my thoughts became a bit more at ease. "Do you like the view? I wanted to show you this."

Then I asked "Why do so? We can get in trouble you know."

Then he smiled and told me "Trust me, we won’t get caught, and besides, I wanted to make you smile. I always want to see you smiling.  Because..." When I looked at Neil he acted differently. His smile faded, and he seemed to be hesitating.

"Because you what?"...

 "Because, I want to always see you happy. I don't want to see you hurt or sad. I always want you to look at me. I want you to be happy. And I want to be part of that happiness. Because Carla, I love you..."

 "STOP!!!" I yelled at him while holding back my tears. "Please. Don't say it...”

 Rejection. That's the only thing coming into my thoughts.

"No Neil!! You are making a mistake!! You don’t know me!! You can’t love someone like me!!"

"How are you certain Carla? Why do you always think so lowly of yourself? Or is it because you can’t love me? Am I not worthy?"

 "That's not it Neil. I love you too. But I can’t be with you for a long time.."

"Why say such a thing?"

"Because Neil..."

 Suddenly my vision turned blurry... and my chest is getting crushed again.

"Carla whats wrong!?”  

I tried muttering his name but I coughed out blood instead. I couldn’t stand up. My knees felt weak and I was about to fall, but I felt hat someone caught me on my fall. "Carla, please..."

"Can’t you see Neil? How can you love someone who's dying? How can you love someone whose life is just a mere dream? I wanted to be loved by you. But I can’t risk you getting hurt."  Neil began to cry, I never saw a guy cry for me before. He embraced me tightly while saying my name. I couldn’t help it but cry too. I rested on his arms and felt his warmth. I felt sleepy.

The next thing I knew is that I was on my bedroom. But to my surprise, Neil was next to my bed, sitting on a chair and sounded asleep. I do admit I was touched by what he told me. But still, everything is still blurred. Will I ever get to say what I feel? And take back what I said?

Author’s Note:

You can share your own confessions too. Just message it to me. And we’ll let the world know about it. I will be posting another story. Just let me remember some details.