Confession Sessions

The Rant: A suicidal note

I can say I live in a pretty good life. I always get what I want. But I am not happy. In fact, I hate my life. Although in my childhood I had lots of toys and nice branded clothes. I spent my middle and high school in a private school; I get to study in one of the known universities. I have some of the best gadgets and I can do pretty much everything. Still, I’m not happy.

Truly money cannot buy happiness.

I am so damn fed up with my life. I hate my life totally. I am so strangled with the over-protectiveness of my parents, especially my mom. I can't enjoy my life. I feel that I'm living in a secluded mental asylum. I have no one to turn to. Yes, I have my friends but because they are so stern I seldom see them. That's why I learned to live with my problems alone. No one can hear my problems except the four walls of my room. I want to go out and spend even a short time with my friends but then they don't want me to. I'm so totally pissed off!

I want to die. Maybe when I die my soul will be free to roam around unlike my mortal body who was a prisoner all my life. Even at least if I'm already a soul I'll have a chance to go to the place I didn't have the chance to go to. I'm so tired of this fucking life.

So maybe this is a suicidal note. It's been in my mind for some time now. But I'm hesitant. God doesn't consider those people who committed suicide in heaven. And of course I don't want that to happen. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. If I'll commit suicide, what would that be? I have no strength to slash my wrist. I can feel the pain that may hinder me from continuing. I can't hang myself, it's hard to improvise. I don't want to stab nor shot myself. So my options are to overdose myself or to die in my sleep. I want to die in my sleep. But then that's a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Not all people experience it. How will I die? If the angel of death can read this now, common kill me now. I'm so damn willing.

I hate this fucking life. I certainly want to end this fucking life....maybe because of the following reasons:

Because I'm so strangled up with the way my parents treat me. Why can't I be like other teens that can go and hang out with friends? Sometimes I’m given a chance but only if I pleaded after a million times.

"You can’t go out! You know your dad’s work. He has lots of enemy. I’m just protecting you and I want you to be safe.”

Oh shut the hell up mother! You can't understand me! If you were in my shoes I'm sure you'll feel the way that I'm feeling right now! I want to go out!

Because my brother got married at an early age that's why they think I might follow her footsteps. Goddamn it!  I know my fucking limitations and I have self control. I know I won't end up like him! And I swear to this fucking life that there won't be any chance!

Because my bestfriend, whom I share my problems with, is already in Australia. That's why since she left I have no one to talk to. No I'm not a loner. I just don't want to share these problems to my family members because I know they won't listen to me nor understand me.

Because my friends are far away from me. Since I seldom see them, I don't enjoy my life. Especially this summer, my parents don't allow me to be with them even for just the whole afternoon.

Because my special someone is so hard to understand. Sometimes she's sweet, most of the time not. That's why I'm so confused right now. And this confusion adds to my anxiety.

I want to die. Every night before I sleep I always pray that I don't want to wake up the next morning anymore.

Why important people in our society or good people do die earlier? Unlike me who’s nobody and a fucking relentless person.

Maybe if I don’t believe that God exist, I'm probably six feet under now.

I'm grasping the end of the rope with only one hand, a weak hand. I might loosen my grip in the few days to come.

Of course I want to see myself as a professional, as a husband and as a father. But I don't think I can't hold on much longer.

I haven't changed my mind yet. I still want to end my damn life.

Author’s Note:

This is story. No highlights of a love affair. But still it talk about love and life. Hope you had a good time reading this. The way I told the story is heavy. But like I said, this book has different types of story. I’ll make it a point that the next chapter will have a lighter mood (: