Ice Blue [ Book One ]

5 // Damned

It was right
Even though it felt wrong
Nothin' ever stopped you
From showin' your progression suddenly
Broken lies
Drivin' backwards
Makin' all the wrong turns
Sayin' all the wrong words
Dodgin' angels

• • •

I drew one leg up and kept it bent while the other lay sprawled out on the mattress, listening to my heart thump wildly inside my chest like a cheetah running through the grasslands.

We. Are. Done. Jamie's words always struck me, be it in a dream or a memory. Though I feel like all dreams, no matter what, are all some part of your sub-memory. A piece of your past so far back you can't remember.

After all, a brain cannot make up a new face.

I brought my hand up to my chest, curling my fingers around the shirt just above my heart and resting my fist over the beating organ. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

It was excruciating, listening to your own heartbeat. I can't, for a second, stand the sound of it. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Maybe I should go for a run. Nobody except the patrols would be up. Go back to sleep, my cat murmured from the back of my mind.

Okay, never mind on the run then.

Whenever I have a dream about that night, I always leave bed and go to Lucky. It didn't matter whether I slept within my own sheets, or with Andy, I always left and crawled into bed with my sister. She understood. She had the dreams, too, and would also come to me. We had an agreement, a pact.

No matter what, we don't go through the pain alone. We always did things together.

I thought briefly about going to Princeton, but instantly scolded myself for even having a thought of the idea. I rolled onto my side, facing the moon and staring at it. Are you watching me, Goddess? Do you see the pain I've endeared? Does it please you to know that a Sun Child suffers under your light?

I didn't get an answer, but I did drift back to sleep, one that promised nothing but darkness and a peaceful rest.

• • •

When I woke again, the moon had drifted back under the earth and was now replaced by the sun. I blinked at the window blearily, finding myself to be, oddly enough, extremely exhausted.

I threw the comforter off of my body and sat up, bending over and sitting on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands. I took a moment to wake up, to let my brain jump start itself.

"Cat," I muttered, reaching out to her. She was just as bleary as I was, seeming unwilling to cooperate with me at this time. Stubborn animal.

I realized that I would, whether I liked it or not, have to get up and be with the world at some point. So I shuffled to the dresser that Lana had graciously filled with newly bought clothes (that I had no idea about), and, of course, some of her daughters' old hand-me-downs.

I picked out a pair of ripped jeans, and a black tank top that was ripped at the sides.

After getting ready, I put my hair into a ponytail and brushed my teeth before heading downstairs, hands sliding along the wooden posts of the sides.

I found myself heading to the main kitchen where I was first served a sandwich by Lana, glancing around. People, of course, were already awake and had this weird thing about staring.