Ice Blue [ Book One ]

6 // Cursed

I'm waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals
I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse

• • •

"Child?" Princeton's breath shook as he spoke the word. "You have a child?"

"No. I was pregnant at the time," I told him, looking down at the half eaten bowl of fruit. I wasn't very hungry anymore. "If a Feline shifts during her pregnancy, it can be dangerous. The body shifting into a completely different form, the rearranging of the body parts and bones ... the child can't handle that very well, especially when it's in the first stages of pregnancy."

Zaria let out a noise of sympathy, and I glanced up to see her and Misha holding one another, watching me with pity. Please stop looking at me like that. I won't be able to hold myself together if you do.

"There was a battle with another Clan," I told them, looking away from the two females. "Andy, my Chosen and my Denari, knew of my pregnancy but he claimed he needed help. I tried to resist, but he forced the order on me to the point where I couldn't resist any longer. So I shifted, and during the battle I miscarried. He told me if I had been more careful, then perhaps the shift wouldn't have killed our child."

I refused to look at Princeton, but the anger in his eyes was enough for me to want to run for the hills. It radiated off of him in waves and I could almost hear a low growl under his breath. "Why ... why did he blame you?" he asked.

"Like I said, he didn't want to take the blame so he turned it on me. Families start particularly young in Feline Clans, because most of them want to have two or three children, but miscarriages are so common among our species. My aunt had five before she finally gave birth to my cousin. It's not easy to have a child, especially if you're living under a Denari."

"I should murder him," Princeton snarled, sending a wave of shock through me. "I should send a patrol to his territory and I should rip his goddamn throat out. How could he blame you? You may have been the one carrying the child, but he ordered the shift."

"It goes to show how different Felines and wolves are, Princeton," I told him with a sigh, shaking my head. "He misjudged himself and he turned his anger on me. He couldn't find the will to kill me so he sentenced me to a fate worse than death. He forced me away from the only family I knew. Clan cats don't do well without their family. He knew that, but he didn't care."

Princeton growled. "It still — how — your species is absolutely disgraceful," he spat. "Exiling a woman because she miscarried? That's disgusting!"

"I know." I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I should at least defend the Felines, but how could I when what he says isn't exactly wrong?

"How long ago—"

"It was about a day after my exile when you caught me, and another day before that when I lost my child."

"So ... two says." Zaria breathed in sharply. "How are you so ... "

"This?" I gestured to myself. "Well, I had only found out I was expecting two days before the battle broke out. The grief is strong, but I don't really grieve outside of privacy. It's not how I work."

"We're sorry for your loss, Rivera," Misha murmured.

"Don't be. I don't even know why I admitted this to you." I closed my eyes and leaned my arms on the counter, lowering my head.

"Because you need to talk about it, and you know that Rivera." I felt the warm palm of Princeton on my back, and I was less sad and anxious. "We only just met, but instinct, and your cat, seem to see the need for you to discuss it with someone. Now the process of grief might be easier."