Raw Emotions

Living with Depression (PWC)

My body is an apartment that I can barely afford because of the location.
An entire world of possibilities accessible in some multiple of my footsteps, and for some reason I can't make it out my front door.
I'm staring at the splintered wood in the frame where he slammed the door on- on the way out
And ignoring the leaks in the roof- and how I'm running out of buckets-
I try to remember... that so many people want what I have.
That when I turn on my lights. I become part of a skyline that people look at and envy.
That living... here... is a privilege.
No matter how much it looks like these walls want to crumble.

I pay my rent with late night laughter with loved ones,
Purple-pink sunrises on the drive home,
Laced fingers that feel too tight to ever come undone.
But the price of existence grows.. higher every year.
With every lost friend,
Every tear shed-
Every fight where I cannot make amends-
Every story where I start to write but cannot possible imagine an end-
And I earn less and less and my rent is late until-... A letter comes in the post and says...
My rent has been paid.
I.. have a roommate now,
Or maybe I always have,
Someone who started out as a silhouette of a stranger on the other end of the bedroom in my brain-
I am living with Depression, there is no other way to put it.
She puts my walls up, and everyone else stays out.
She tells me that she is the only one who could stand these cramped quarters, but she seems to be spreading out more and more every week until there is no room left for anything that reminds me of me and I can't find room to eat anymore and I don't feel like collecting new memories, telling myself I only have room for the same old routine- I have a roommate... and she makes me friends uncomfortable.. because when she's around I don't say much of anything-
When she's around I keep my voice low, don't want to make her angry, don't want to hear what she has to say when they leave,
When she's around we spend all of my time together,
When she's around she's the only one with the energy to answer my phone... so I keep it turned off.
I don't want to know if people will keep trying to call,
I try to leave.
Try to find other apartments, with- different beds- different drinks- different drugs- anything to forget that I eventually have to stumble home, have to see her in the living room! Hear her laughter all night- keeping me up! I never want to leave my bed! She wants me... to-
Move out....
I know she wants me to vacate these walls- with no bags packed.
I know she wants my friends and family to forget my name- only remember hers.
I know... I can tell my the wallpaper she peels off-
By the thin pink blueprints she draws into my skin- her plans to make new bloodlines.
I know she wants me to move out... Sometimes I do too...

I don't know if there's a difference.

https://youtu.be/CVh3J3Hz86k