Raw Emotions

Vulnerability (PWC)

I hear the wind whip around the outside of y porthole, the rain splattered patterns on my skin reflecting the shards of my mental state as I press my head against the door, closing it shut.
The chains wrapped around my heart give way and I feel it shatter my ribs with every beat.
I can't breath.
I can't breath.
I can't breath!
I force myself to let the air from my lungs out slowly, keeping my gasping breaths of desperation silent as to not alert anyone.
I move my shaking hands over a bottle of pills containing vitamins and iron.
I wonder if I'll die if I breathe this in while I panic and decide to do it anyway.
The feeling of swallowing the tablet doesn't calm me so I reach through my draws for the small
Rescue remedy pellets,
Only to find both of my tins are out of date by a few months.
I hold my breath and discover this is a bad idea when I can't even shift my lungs.
Hide,
I have to hide.
I claw my way onto my bed and wrap my body in the duvet, hiding my head in my hands, curling up into a ball.
I realise a ball is a bad idea when my chest gives out a dull throb and stretching out hurts.
My mind rummages through information I've been told before,
Remember to breath,
Nose then mouth,
Take your time,
Don't curl up,
Don't hold your breath,
Stay calm-
My body begins to shake and my mouth gapes open slightly in the futile attempts to draw in breath,
Tears trickle down my cheeks,
I feel my ears start to ring.
I reach out,
The duvet isn't enough.
I remember why I have stuffed toys by my bed now as I surround myself with as many as possible.
Foxy,
Peter,
Sammy,
Pepsi,
Stanley.
Each one around me and on top of me.
The weight with the duvet gives me a sense of security,
A warmth that reminds me of gentle shushing and dozing off.
Being held and the few moments I had of holding her hand.
Then the scare, the sudden awake, the memory of being jumpscared forcing me to fear holding her hand, the sleep disturbed by a feeling of not being enough, gentle shushing becoming something I long to hear but want to cry to,
It all comes crushing back,
Flattening my chest together and I curl back into my side, feeling the waves of panic and fear and sadness and tiredness and I still can't fuckcif breathe flush through my system again.
Like an after shock, it doesn't last as long and after a short while my body relaxes but doesn't uncoil.
I still can't remember what I'm meant to do in this situation so I stick to hiding.
Tonight is going to be a long night.