Raw Emotions

To The Girl I Was Yesterday

Dear Jasmine,

Do you remember when you used to wear dresses and flower crowns,
running around in a crowd of friendly faces?
I hope you do because on days like today my parents will tell me those moments like bedtime stories belonging to someone that isn't me.
You are too scared to tell them I exist.

I don't blame you for that.

While there are memories of you in dresses you forget the ones you have of climbing trees.
Wrestling with Stephen, even though Courtney hated it.
The memories of when James felt more like a best friend than a lover, when his hands didn't feel right against your skin because you felt too small.
 Too dainty.

You feel too dainty to me too.

Your body feels like a feather, too light and fragile for me to fit into properly without breaking. My weight does not sit where yours does, too far forward and it gives me backache. Your face is not mine and I am sorry if I want to destroy it but you left this behind.
This is not my fault?

Then why does this feel like it should be an apology letter?

We both fear the day that I become stronger than you and I am sorry if one day you don't come back.
I am sorry if I stay longer than you want me to and I am sorry if I carve you out of this chest. I do not want to remove parts of your flesh away but I can't live like this forever.

I still don't hate you.

I wear your clothes and wash your body in your favourite scented soaps. Your hair smells like roses, you like that right? I paint your nails when you're not here, even if I do it badly. I smile at your friends and I keep my voice high, just like yours. I put the sports bra away, the tight one that you hate.
I don't want to hurt you so I'm looking after your body while you're away.
I don't know if I'm drinking enough or eating enough.
But can we talk about how I actually managed to shower you?!

I didn't face the mirror while I was changing and I only took a few seconds to wash your body because you don't feel right to me. I'm sorry for that. But I did it.

I hope you have a good time away. Plese come back soon.

Love, Lewis.

P.S: I miss you.