Raw Emotions

Wreckless

I sought you from loneliness, friend.
I crawled into your arms like a child and you held me as a lover, unmoving but for the falling of your hair upon the bridge of your nose.
I thought I was being haunted, I thought you were a ghost, a spirit sent to me for unknown reasons, a saviour.
And I was so excited. I woke up every day to see you, to say good morning and you said you would protect me from anything.
I used your body as a handrail, clinging to you as if I were to be thrown of the edge by a stray breeze, and you let me.
You reminded me to look after myself.
You told me to keep you a secret, that you were hiding from something.
You said that I had to protect you too and I fell in love with that.
This young man with green eyes and a crooked smile taught me what it was to be sensitive and vulnerable.
He also taught me that I was different,
I was different because I saw him.
No one else could.
It always scared me because, somehow, I didn't want this.
I didn't want to be the different one who talked to no one,
That strange girl who was holding onto an invisible hand made of safety rails.
So I told someone about you, didn't I?
You were scared, you didn't want them to take you away from me.
I guess in a way they did.
Because they told me you weren't real.
That I made you up.
And it tore me apart because I knew it was true, I didn't want to know but I did.
I knew that in reality I was just a very lonely little girl dreaming of love.
And when they told me that you weren't real I looked at you.
I felt your soul break a little,
I watched you shatter and start to quietly cry.
I was told to just keep reminding myself that you weren't real and that you would go away,
Like you were a disease attaching itself to me.
I felt horrible.
Like someone had just turned my insides into soup and started to serve me to a part I didn't want to be at.
But the worst part is that I did what they said.
I let go of the handrail.
Then I did one better.
I climbed over it and threw myself over the side.
But you were still there. Less frequently, but there you were.
Sitting at the end of my bed,
Weightless,
Looking straight ahead.
I would block you out.
The thing is, without you my judgment was off.
I made poor choices.
I know you're still angry at me,
I know you're trying to forget me.
But i miss you, with your prediction of the weather and reminders to take my keys and remember my bus pass and lunch.
I'm writing your story again, accurately this time.
I know you're just a part of my brain,
That part that loves me unconditionally,
And doesn't understand what I did.
But I'm willing to try again, I'm willing to love you again because I feel like without loving you I will always be
A little bit too reckless.
Even though you, yourself, are a chaotic storm.