What She Wants

I

"So come on let it go. Just let it be. Why don't you be you and I'll be me. Everything tha-"
"Shut up."
"Ok."
"Do it. Do it already."
"I'm scared."
"Of what?! Nobody's gonna miss you anyway. One hand full and you swallow. Quick and easy. And then you'll be with me. Isn't that what you want?"
"Y-Yes. But if I do it-"
"You will do it."
"When I do it, you....can't be
here."
"You can't make me go away."
"T-Then I won't do it. But if you go away then I will."
" Fucking hell Terez. Why?"
"Because I fucking want you to that's why!"
"Hey! Don't you ever raise your voice at me. Do you understand?"
"Mhm."
"I said do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Good."
"Why are you staring at me?"

There was a pause.

"Before I go, come here and give me a kiss."
"I don't want to."
"And I didn't give you a choice so get your ass over here before I really get angry."
"Please Tate, I really don't want to."
"Always have to be so goddamn bitchy."
"I swear, if you come any closer I'll-"
"You'll what? Kill me? Been there, done that."
"Go away Tate."
"Hey, hey! Don't say that. Just wanted a kiss is all."
"Go away Tate."
"Terez stop it!"
"Go away Tate!"
"I'm not going anywhere! Stop!"
"Go away Tate! Go away!"
"Terez please! I love you!"
"Go away! Go away! Go away!"

And that was it. Silence. Just silence.

I opened my eyes. They were wet. He was gone. Tate was gone. The silence felt so new to me. I cleared my throat a few times before I grabbed the Ambien laying in the sink. Still full. The last time I held this bottle was nine months ago. Before Tate came into the picture.
Slowly, I opened the bottle. Quiet. I stared at the pills. They were taunting me. I could tell. I spilled five capsules into my hand. I rolled them around for a bit hoping that somehow I could be in a different situation. Maybe I could be on the beach. Or have someone tell me that what I'm doing is completely insane. And then they would hug me and tell me that everything would be ok. That I am their everything.
"Fuck it."
I emptied more and more pills into my hand, now multiplying to more than twenty. This is it. For some reason I still waited, thinking that someone, anyone, would stop me. I was scared. Terrified.
"This...this is it."
Before I knew it the pills were already in my mouth, followed by water, and down my throat. I gagged a bit, the taste of the medicine being very bitter. Then I started hyperventilating. Just like last time. I was scared and regretted what I had done. I realized in that moment that I wanted to live. I didn't want to end up on the t.v. as "the girl who killed herself because she didn't have a soulmate". And my mom. I could never leave her like that. She means too much to me and the look on her face if she finds me dead is heartbreaking. At this point I felt my throat closing up and I knew that I was going to die.

"Terez, your pizza's on the bed....Terez?"
My mom came slowly walking into the bathroom to find me crouched over the sink, choking.
"Holy shit! Terez, baby, what're doing?! What the hell did you do, honey?! Oh my god. Throw it up, baby, throw it up! Please stay with me, please....you can't leave me..."
Those words, "You can't leave me", they hit me. As soon as I stuck my fingers in my mouth, the twenty-something pills came right out. Twenty-something mistakes that I just made.
I stared into my mom's teary eyes. She was so scared.
"Momma..."
I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say I was sorry but I kept sputtering. Nothing would come out. I noticed that I was trembling tremendously and I couldn't stop it.
Her eyes seemed to say, "It's ok."
I slowly sank to the ground, clinging to her for dear life. I thought that if I lifted anything as small as a finger she would slip right out of my arms, never to see her again.

"Momma I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry momma." I kept repeating that because I wanted her to believe me. I needed her to believe me.
"I'll never leave you momma. This was the last time, I promise."
"Promise me..."
"I promise you. With all my heart."