heaven

Gone

Just gone. No where to be found. Again.

Dean felt a little empty inside. He sat in the bunker. His hands trembled. The phone sat next to his hand. Never ringing, never buzzing. Life felt slow. Actually, it had stopped. He went on hunts with Sam, he smiled around Sam, he had a good time. Yet, the thought that he just left never would leave his mind. Even in the happiest times with Sam, it was hard to focus on just one thing. Drinking a few beers every night, or maybe something even heavier, liquor. Vodka. Something to ease the pain a bit. He'd drive around acting like he didn't know all the burger joints just because he wanted to spend time with Sam and forget about it all. Forget about that. About what had happened. Forget about how good life felt, even just for a little bit.

For a while of course, he held on. He wanted to believe that Castiel would show up and apologize. Possibly come back hurt but still alive and Dean could heal him slowly. He could love him some more. But after a week had past, life became dull and the search for the angel seemed hopeless. Dean prays every night. Sam keeps the research up. But at this point, what could they do?

Had Cas lied to him? Was he not comfortable? Did certain things happen too quickly? Wasn't Castiel still human? These questions ran through Dean's mind daily. And he never slept much. An hour maybe every night if he was lucky. His mind racing instead of resting. He was tired of course. Tired of it all. But it was almost as if he had no control of his body. Of his thoughts. Of his heart. They had minds of their own. The only times that he was in control was when he was around Sam. He never seemed to far from content with Sam.

"Dean. You going to bed?" Sam came in laying his beer right next to Dean. Dean grabbed it and took a small drink from it. After he set it down, Sam took a seat next to his distressed brother and made the puppy dog eyes that Dean hated to see.

"How are you Dean. Really. Like..Castiel has been gone for about a month now. I still search every night before bed. Trust me, I want to find him too." Sam watched Dean as he shifted around in his chair.

"I just don't understand. I mean, we give him shelter, we feed him, we love him. But he just does..this. Whatever this is. It's tiring. And I want to be done but-" He had no words. He couldn't describe how he was feeling in words. It was practically impossible. Dean just missed the touch that Castiel had given him, the way he made him feel. His bed now felt small and lonely.

"I know. Listen, it's Cas. He will turn up some day. And then you can yell at him. But I ask you to do one thing before you do that. Ask him Dean. Ask him where he's been. Don't assume, just ask. You might be surprised at what you hear."

Sam left without another word. The room was silent except for small sipping sounds from Dean. It was like his fifth today. And he did not feel bad about it. Actually, it made him feel content inside.

What did I do? Dean thinks. Is it my fault Cas? Did I hurt you? Was it too much? Let me fix things. Please.

At this point he feels he is shouting into the void. Or into a deep ark hole where you only get your echo back. Nothing in  return except yourself. He started to think about all the small moments that made him happy. Of course, Castiel was there.
**flashback**

"DEEAN. I NEED HELP."

Dean ran into the room as quick as he could. The angel sounded very distressed. He could even feel it himself.

"What Cas?"

But once he stepped into the bathroom, Castiel was laying on the floor holding buckets and trying to catch all the water from the toilet. It was overflowing.

"Damnit Cas. What did you do?" Dean rubbed his chin and grabbed the plunger next to the toilet, sticking it in there as far as he could. Castiel got splashed with water.

"Well...I was urinating..and I flushed the toilet..and this happened."

Dean just sighed. Castiel had so much to learn yet there was never any time to actually teach him. He felt bad. He wanted to help him learn.

"This is a plunger Cas. When the toilet is clogged, use it."

Cas stood bewildered, "Oh, I just thought that flushing it more would work."

Dean smirked and shook his head.

"No buddy. That never works."

**end**

Dean grabbed his headphones from his room and the small CD player. He stuck his favorite album in and laid down on his bed, eyes closed and music playing loudly. He didn't like to be able to hear anything except his music. Dean only wanted music. It was something that always worked when times got tough. He would listen to music when he fought with Sam, when his dad died, when he was just simply stressed because of the work they do. It was never easy to fit time in, but he had learned to manage.

As his eyes roamed the inside of his lids, he pictured Castiel looking up at him when he had beat him up. Bloody and weak. Crying for help. And the knife was right by his head. Right there. But he didn't do it. He couldn't. Yet it was close enough. The feeling of breaking bones on his knuckles. Castiel had told him it wasn't him. Not fully. Even if it was, he told Dean that he deserved it.

Dean shook his head. The tears streaming down the sides of his face.

"Goddamnit Cas what do you want me to do? You deserve happiness, I've tried to tell you that a million times. Please, come back. I promise I won't hurt you again."

The words formed on his mouth and he knew he was screaming loud enough for Sam to hear but he couldn't hear himself. So he didn't care. He didn't care who heard. He didn't care what happened.

He just wanted everyone to know that he loves Castiel. For everything that he is.

For Castiel, he could hear Deans cries. Most nights he would let himself cry every once in a while. He kept a bottle with him to dispose of his grace every once in a while. And immediately once it was gone he broke down. Never wanting to stop. Dean was simply in pain and Castiel could not help at the moment. He wanted to, really really badly.

But he just..he just couldn't.

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WHERE DO YALL THINK CAS IS?????? LEF ME KNOW WHAT YOU OF THIS CHAPTER AND WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF. THANK YALL