Stumbling through corridors. Slamming into doors with outstretched hands. The hospital seems so much bigger, and every step I take seems to be too slow even though I'm doing the closest thing to running as I pace up the stairway, pulling myself up with my fingers hooked around the banister.
Phil's awake. Phil's alive and breathing and he wants to see me. It feels as though we're meeting for the first time all over again, except this time there's a sense of uneasiness simmering in my blood. I fucking hope he slaps me across the face and spits on me just so I'll know where I stand with him; I want to feel his hatred burning my flesh and crushing my heart and know he hates me instead of presuming he hates me.
"Dan?" I hear my name and I blink into face of Kathryn Lester, her sea eyes swimming in front of me. She's shivering with her arms crossed against her holed red sweater.
"Kathryn, hello. He's awake?" I ask, digging my fingers into my palm trying to earth myself. I don't feel like any of this is really happening, but I'm sure when I experience the wrath of Phil Lester I'll be transported back to the epicentre of reality.
She's crying suddenly and my heart falters in my chest. Oh shit, what if something went wrong? What if Phil woke up momentarily and then he...then he...
"Phil's going to be just fine according to the nurses. They just need to keep watch over him for a couple of days and then he'll be sent for therapy and I swear I'm never going to let a day go by where I don't call him or hear his voice. I can't bear the thought of losing him, you know? The past few days have been so difficult."
I embrace her in a long hug. She's so cold and I wonder if she has even left the hospital since Phil was admitted. I notice the dark circles beneath her misting eyes and wonder how she's controlling her simmering chaos simmering beneath her calm and collected mark so well? She's a strong lady; much stronger than I'll ever be.
"Who's with Phil right now?" I ask her gently.
"His father," she smiles sadly. "He's tried to hold himself together so well over the past few days, not wanting to upset me by showing his emotions. But I know seeing Phil like that broke him. I could see it. But how could he not be affected by something like this? How could anyone?"
"Holding yourself together during difficult times is like trying to capture smoke between your fingers and willing it to stay with you. It's impossible," I release her from the embrace and manage a smile. "I'll go in and talk to Phil now and give his dad a break. You both must be so tired."
She says something quietly but I don't quite catch it, so I nod and turn away towards the entrance to the Intensive Care Unit, towards Phil.
My heart is going crazy fast, hammering so violently I feel sick. This is it, this is what the past two years have been leading to. But I swear I won't cry, I won't. Phil requested that I see him here today and that is the only reason I've come, I tell myself. And to comfort his parents.
I press the flat of my palm against the white doors and push them inwards, inhaling the strong antiseptic smell of the unit. My feet seem to know the way better than my head does, and I keep stepping across the cream-coloured tiles in an almost robotic form. I can't form any thoughts. I can't fucking breathe, let alone think.
"Hello, Daniel," Phil's father turns and acknowledges me. "I suppose you want a moment alone with Phil, so I'll head away. It's good to see you."
"You too," I whisper, my voice quaking and my eyes not quite looking behind him to the hospital bed where I know Phil is lying, awake and listening. His father stands up and leaves Phil's bedside in one swift movement, and suddenly I find myself standing two metres away from the body of a boy I once loved and who once loved me.
YOU ARE READING
nyctophilia | phan
Fanfiction{{ part two of psychedelia }} It's been two years since Dan moved out of the apartment to go to a rehabilitation centre, and in that space of time he's heard nothing from Phil. Not even a "hello." Dan's scared that Phil's moved on and forgotten abou...
