Gradually Accepting You

Hello, loneliness.

Today was a new day. I was prepared for whatever battle I had to fight. I wondered where this new confidence had come from.

I finished putting on the last coating of lipstick. I turned around and my dress gave a little twirl.

"How do I look?"

"You look like the ocean. So beautiful, yet so full of surprises. Why the new change, Selena? I like it, but what's the motivation?"

"It was kind of a 'in the moment' sort of thing. I was standing there in front of the tattoo shop, then I reminded myself that it was something I wanted to do, and decided to do it. I did it, because you might never get the chance. You just have to go for the things you want to and stop thinking so much."

"That. I admire you, because of that."

The only response I received from her was, "You look nice," She smiled and my father came in.

"I'm ready Selena, are you?" In my opinion, it didn't sound like the type of question where he wanted to see if I was dressed, but more of a 'are you ready to be brainwashed' question.

"Let's go Anna." I walked past my dad, who by the way insisted he drive us to Jeff's house for the dinner invite we were going to. I honestly don't even know why I agreed to go to dinner with Jeff and his family, along with Anna and hers.

I guess I did it for Anna. She was nervous as it was, then I just looked into those beautiful green eyes, and couldn't resist.

We stood side by side waiting at the door of Jeff's house. Not until that moment, when Jeff opened the door, did I realized that Anna and I had matched more than Jeff and Anna. As soon as my dad went to talk to Jeff's parents, Anna kissed Jeff. I cleared my throat.

"Selena, hey...um let's go talk to Jeff's parents while your dad is over there anyways," said I nodded and agreed to go, because anything was better than watching them make out.

I smiled and greeted them politely. The conversation was as normal as it could get. They asked me how I was doing, then moved on to ask Jeff and Anna about their relationship. I excused myself.

I walked around and saw Anna's parents. I walked past them, but before I could go that far, they called my name. "Selena!" I loved Anna's parents, but the truth was I couldn't face them, especially after what happened. After the hetero-enforcement gets involved in a person's life and "turns them straight", almost every person in the town knows who it was, but not the details.

No one really knows that I was involved that night, just that Anna was at my house. In fact, no one knew about Anna and I, and that was why my dad thought it was Anna's fault. He thought she was making a move on me. He called the hetero-enforcement. The rest? Well you know what happened then.

Although I did know one person Anna trusted. Her mom. Her mom was so supportive. She protected Anna so much. That was the only person besides ourselves that knew.

I smiled and approached her.

"You are selfish. Your father is selfish," that's all that came out of her mouth. Sadly, I knew exactly what she was talking about. I pretended like I didn't.

"Excuse me?"

"You know what I'm talking about," I gave her a confused face, "you took my daughter away. Look at her," she said as she turned me around, "do you see the real Anna anywhere?"

I shed a tear, "Look, if I could change the way things happened, I would. I want to believe that there's a way I can change this messed up world, but I don't know if I can. But, I'm trying. For the sake of our love. Because, I know deep in there somewhere, the real Anna is there. You can't forget love."

Her mother cried, I hugged her. We went to the backyard. We talked. We caught up. We talked about Anna.

It was now time to gather up for dinner. There were at least 20 people there (mostly Jeff's family). I sat next to this guy who I didn't know and Anna, of course, sat next to Jeff. It was a stupid rule I've been living for most of my life.

A girl must sit with a guy and a guy had to sit with a girl. It hadn't changed. Maybe that was the reason why most of the time the teachers made a girl boy girl boy seating chart when we were younger.

No one ever seems to make up their mind. First they don't want girls and guys sitting together, but then they want it. But, no, the main problem isn't seating charts. It was much more than that. Something much bigger.

The dinner was over, and I just really wanted to go home. Jeff took Anna home, so I didn't really see her for the rest of the night. I did about everything to avoid my father that night, so I walked up to the guy I was sitting next to at dinner. We talked for a bit and we even hung out after the dinner.

His name was Troy. It seemed that in one night we had gotten along pretty well. So, seeing that as my only opportunity to get away from my dad, I asked him for a ride back to my house. That was not what we did. As I was getting a ride to my house, I noticed a small barn, probably years old. I asked Troy to pull over.

Anna and I always used to sneak in and hang out, sometimes we would even fall asleep on the hay stack. In the morning, we would walk out of the barn and say to each other, "We're out of the closet!"

We never got caught. My father never thought to look for me, especially when he would drown himself in alcohol at night, thinking about my mom. And Anna's mom? She knew exactly where she was. I looked at Troy and asked him without thinking, "Do you have any alcohol?"

He nodded. He went to his car and got a few beer cans. He gave me one and had one for himself. "Are you sure we won't get caught?" I answer, "If you wanna leave you can leave someone will know where to find me."

Troy stayed and by the hours passed, I was drunk. I sat in the pile of hay stacks thinking about Anna. Troy? He just wanted to take a night off from being the perfect gentlemen.

I hadn't lost the fight yet, nor the confidence. It's just the temporary feeling of emptiness and loneliness.