Fear Will Lose- Tyler Joseph

Chapter 2

(That picture makes me happy idk why.)

When Tyler said he'd been thinking too much, I figured he meant that he had just been thinking really har dabout some new song he was writing. As I'm sitting down next to him, I see an open notebook on his bed. Definetly not his notebook used for writing songs- he always would keep that one closed.

"Tyler, whats this notebook on your bed?" I ask in a soft voice, trying to change the topic. I assumed it was just full of random drawings and letter fans had sent him, he's told me he has a notebook like that before. He just shakes his head a bit. "The truth, Nevaeh. Its just the truth, that's all thats in that notebook." He says with a sigh. I slowly stand up to get this open notebook. The open page just says:

Fear might be the death of me. Fear leads into anxiety. Don't know what's inside of me.

I gasp a bit. He's never told me about his feelings like that before. I flip through some more pages. Some pages just have one word on them. One just says "Goner.". Some of them are longer, more poetic, as though he were writing a song about how he felt. This one really caught my eye:

Tie a noose around your mind.

Other pages just say how he feels- almost like journal entries. Some just say words, like "Failure", or "Better off gone", and I figure that was what he was talking about when he said this notebook was the truth. I gently set down the notebook and walk back to Tyler. 

"Why, do you think that, babe?" I say, my voice nearly a whisper. "Because... it's all true. It's all true, I'm a failure, I can't do anything right, you're only here because you feel bad for me, same wth Josh. And you knw what? I don't need your pity! I don't want it. Leave me alone! I just want to be alone." He says, obviously getting angrier towards the end. I sit next to him and hug him. I can hear his sobs, and feel his tears on my shoulder. 

"No, Tyler, I'm here because I love you. I love you more than anything in the world, and it kills me to know what you think about yourself! Because Tyler Robert Joseph, you are the most amazing person on this planet. You can sing, play piano, you write almost every song for your band, you rap, you're just amzing!" I say, pulling out of the hug so I can see his face. "And I know I've already said it, but I love you." Tyler sipes the tears off his face, then stands up. I stand up, too. Not until now do I think about what I came in here to ask.

 "Hey, do you wanna order a pizza or something?" My voice still gentle. Tyler nods his head. "Yeah, but order it quick, I want to get to bed." I glance at the clock. Almost 9 pm. I didn't realize how long I spent in his room. I grab my phone to order the pizza. About 15 minutes later, there's a knock at the door. I get up from my seat next to Tyler on the couch and go get our dinner, tipping the deliveryman $4. I bring the food in the living room, assuming Tyler doesn't want to get up and go to the kitchen. I place our pizza on his coffe table. We're eating in silence until I break the silence.

 "So, did you get any songs written today?" I ask, turning my head to my left so I can see him, even though I'm already leaning against him. 

"Uh, no, not really..." He says, taking a bit of his pizza.Once we're done eating and talking, it's 10 o'clock. 

"Alright, I better get going, I don't like to drive any later than this." I say when I see the time. As I'm getting up to leave, Tyler stands up and grabs my hand. I look behind me at his face. 

"Stay," Is all he says.

 I stop walking and put my belongings back on the table and nod. Now that I know how much he needs me, I really feel bad for leaving him late in the night. Without saying anything, we both walk to his room. He changes into some pajamas, and I just take off my jeans and change into some sweatpants I left at his house a while ago. As we're climbing into his bed, he whispers, 

"I love you, Nevaeh. I'm sorry that you had to se-" I cut him off.

 "Tyler, don't be sorry. I'm glad I saw you at your worst, because now I know how you feel. I love you, too. I was just wondering... w-why didn't you ever tell me how you felt?" I ask with real concern in my voice.

 He sighs. "I don't know... I guess I just don't like having people feel bad for me. I don't like attention." He explains. 

"So you would just... Smile even thugh your sad?" I ask. He nods his head and rolls over, obviously not wanting to continue this concersation. I sigh a bit, then close my eyes and fall asleep.