I shake. That's how it starts. Then I cry. But the shaking is always first. The feeling of disappointment in myself. The fear. Then the remembering. Always in that order. My mind claws at the inside of my skull making me have a sick shaky feeling just wishing it would stop. I've never told anyone what happened to me and I think that's the clawing. It wants to escape to find a release, but it never does. I'm to scared, and that makes me so angry. I'm stupid, I'm a whimp, I'm worthless, why can't I control myself, nobody wants to hear you they will be annoyed. Nobody cares.. those are some of the things that repeat over in my head at these times where I feel weak. My breathing quickens unevenly searching for something that isn't there. Just please god make it stop my mind begs as my insaneness takes over. I rock back in forth trying to calm myself but really it does nothing at these times. I lay down wrapping my huge comforter around my frame as my body jolts randomly over and over. I can feel the scream in the back of my throat, so close yet so out of reach. I take one deep breath still not filling my lungs as I slowly drift off into unconsciousness.
That night I toss and turn waking for short times covered in sweat to only fall into sleep again. I wouldn't call my sleep dreams it's mostly black like I'm dreaming something terrifying yet nothing is there, my dreams are just pure void with unsettling feelings. That's probably why I woke up with blood shot eyes but hey you never know. I lay there dreading the mere thought of getting up and going to school. I stare at the sealing trying to motivate myself to take a shower, sometimes it's hard to even do that. But I know really it's not a choice so I eventually get up and get ready.
