Ten & Levan

45. Forty Five

TEN

You look fine, I tell myself as I stare at my reflection in the mirror.

You see, it doesn't look like my eyes are on fire, or that my heart feels like a rock inside my chest, or even that as I take each breath, my lungs protest and eventually reject it. But things aren't always what they look like, in reality, I hurt in ways I didn't think I was capable of hurting. In fact, I didn't think I could feel this amount of pain at all. But right now, it feels as if I never existed normally, as if I came with all this pain, as if Levan Emery didn't just hand it out in one big piece of broken trust to me, as if he didn't almost reach inside my chest and pull my heart out, as if he didn't even say 'here you go, Ten, now live with this.'

Of course, he didn't do those things, not to me. Yet, I would like it better if he did physically hurt me, if he did rip my heart out and asked me to live with the emptiness I feel, because my heart is here with me and at the same time, it's not.

But how long can I possibly stand here with no oxygen in my lungs? I wonder, trying to breathe in, but only letting all my breath out. My body still shivers, and my eyes won't stop leaking, they keep leaking, leaking, flooding. And even though I'm not speaking, unsaid words reverberate from inside my body, they're screaming at me, screaming so damn hard, and yet nobody can hear them, not one soul. And the worst part is, these voices in my head only grow if I try to focus on them, to listen to what they're saying. But what are they saying? I can't understand, it's so frustrating.

Once I hit the sand and broke down in Thea's arms, I couldn't decide whether I was crying for how Levan hurt me, for how dad left, for how mom hurts, or for how I only pretend. Maybe it was everything balled up into one big cannonball that hit me. And god, it hit me so hard in my chest that it broke the damn and now I can't stop crying.

Here's what you get for ignoring your feelings for the longest time; a huge dollop of body numbing pain for breakfast, lunch and dinner. So naturally, it rained with thunder when Thea drove me back home, rained when mom wouldn't open the door, rained when she finally did. The clouds followed me everywhere, barging inside my home without an invitation; it rained all the way up the stairs, down the hallways, in my room, and now the whole house is flooding, leaking at the seams, tearing apart. Thankfully, the bathroom is where I've found my escape.

But I still hear the thunder waiting outside for me, the door rattles as the flood threatens to pour in. I'm so tired of crying, so tired of aching, so tired of feeling, so tired of being tired. It's like all my nightmares have come to life. I don't want to feel so vulnerable. You're trained to be fearless and bold, remember? So I strip all my clothes off and step into the shower; I don't want the beach on me, I don't want the salt in my hair, I don't want his hands on me, I don't want to feel. Is there not a way to cut all emotions and just not feel? How do these scars heal? God, tell me how they heal.

I let the warm water try to rid me of the pain I feel in my chest; a fail. Why won't it fade away? I rub my palms all over my heated face, I can't stop feeling like I'm constantly losing control, this isn't what I was hoping for, like my jar is empty once more. But isn't this what I've wanted all along? I push my hair back and stare at the floor, I stare at it as the water circles the drain, I listen for a sound but there's none. After having cried it all out, the screaming inside my head has decided to leave me alone. Now there's only silence, it's so loud that I wonder how Levan lives with it.

I curl my arms around my knees and rest my head against them, feeling the water warm up my spine. I sob silently, for I still can't breathe, what is wrong with me? Is this what emptiness feels like? I frown at myself, what's happening? What the hell did he do to me? But as soon as I look down at my hands and then my arms, I know exactly what's wrong; I see all his traces, all the pigment his skin rubbed off on mine. I'm less gold and more blue.