an unexpected love story

sharp

Alex

Trigger warning, if you get triggered by self harm in any way feel free to skip this chapter <3

All I can think about is Maia and that boy.
I truly don't understand for she told me I was the only one, that's how they get you I guess.

I've always known she was bi but I never expected her to go with a boy, she seemed to enjoy us, I had always assumed that was enough.  Well I was wrong.  I hit another blunt and my mouth felt as dry as sandpaper.

As soon as I got home I feel onto the red worn down leather couch and cried.  All I can do is cry.  Cry and cry and cry, suddenly my head starts to feel dizzy once again and my stomach clenches.
Moments like these I wonder what it would be like to just end it all, but I couldn't.  I still have a promise to keep, but I've never promised I wouldn't hurt myself.

The kitchen knifes are sharp.
.
.
.
I slowly pick up the sharpest while my hand started shaking.
I take a deep breath in.

I closed my eyes and lightly began pressing the blade against my skin, it felt axilerating, painful, and deserving.  I let out a big whiff of air and gradually opened my eyes.  I could see the cut the knife made and in the most twisted way it made me smile.
I deserve this.
Every single scar.

I don't stop after just one swipe I kept going pressing harder, faster, and longer. It hurts like hell, but I enjoyed the pain.  My arm became battered and blood progressively leaked from every scratch. I took a cloth to dunk in rubbing alcohol so I could wipe my arm, for the sting.
"FUCK!" My own wail scared me.
I deserve this.
I wonder if this is what he felt like, day after day.  Maybe he did make the right choice.

Winter is coming soon, so I'll be able to cover up the scars anyway.  I rubbed in Neosporin and applied cheap dollar store bandaids on top of the wounds.
I'm weak.

I put on my pajamas again and just prayed that things will get better, though I believe in nothing. If God really did exist why did Rayne do it?
I can only hope things will get better.
Please.
Please let there be something in my life worth while.
I just need someone to keep me going or I could easily break my promise, it's only a matter of time until I just can't do it anymore.