Whatever Chains (Sequel to Where Your Heart is - A Harry Styles fanfiction)

Part Twenty-Nine: Like we haven't reached the end yet.

I should have said no. When Jasper called me and told me to come over, I should have simply, and roundly, said no.

Because I don't want to be here, standing in front of her and spending the little fumes I've got left in me trying to stay mad at her.

But I couldn't say no, though. Not when he told me I am one of the reasons she's actually considering turning down going back to school.

Ever since I read that stupid letter, I feel like shit. Even more so than I already did; because now I was the one standing between her and her future. And no matter how angry or frustrated I may be at the moment, I would never do that to her.

"I guess I didn't think you would actually come." She says after a while, justifying her previous words, which I know she realizes how lame they actually sounded. "I..."

"You have to say yes, Lea." I cut straight to the chase, so she understands that this is the only reason why I came; or at least the only reason why I can handle being here. "Just do it."

She looks up at me and what I see in her eyes is sad and, to be quite honest, rather disappointing.

This is not the girl I fell in love with. This girl before me looks weak and fearful. Defeated without putting up a fight first.

"Tell me that we have a chance, and I will." She says, and it sounds more like a bribe than a request. "Tell me that this won't ruin us forever. I want to hear you say that me accepting his help won't make you resent me."

I can't stay on my feet anymore; I am too tired for that. So I sit at the edge of the coffee table, leaning forward and propping my elbows on my knees.

I take in a deep breath, weighing the next words that will come out of mouth.

"I would love to think that I'm better that. I would love for you to think so, too." She opens her mouth, probably to say that she does, but I continue: "But I'm not so sure anymore. So I won't say to you what you want me to say."

"Harry..." My name on her lips sounds as beautiful as ever, but also sad.

"I don't know what will happen to us if you say yes, because this was never about Andrew to begin with." I try not to sound petty or spiteful, so I speak softly and with a faint smile. "But if there's one thing I can promise you, is that if you say no because of me, I won't speak to you ever again."

She looks at me in disbelief, I guess. And I just hold her gaze and nod my head once, softly but with determination, letting her know that I am being serious and she should take my word for it.

I can see every emotion flashing through her eyes, commotion being the most prevalent one of all. But then I see realization; and she understands that I meant every single word I just said.

At least we still have that; the perfect, beautiful, rare ability to look into each other's eyes and read absolutely everything.

"Okay." She says dryly, dropping her shoulders in a sigh.

"Good." I breathe out, just like her. "Now I have to get going."

We both stand up abruptly; me wanting to get out of here as fast as I could carry myself, and her, desperate not to let me.

Her hands grip my arm tightly, sinking her fingertips on the flesh, and I wince not from pain but from something I would have never, in a million years, thought my body could react at her touch.

I can't actually describe it, though, because it is not that unpleasant, but if I had to put it into words I guess there's only one that comes to mind.

Rejection.

Rejection towards her touching me, towards her trying to make me stay when I clearly want to flee. And rejection towards me feeling like this. So powerless against my own mind.

Why can't I just forgive her when that is all I have to do to stop feeling so miserable? Why, if I miss her, and everything we are so damn much, can't I bring myself to let this go?

I am trying, I swear. And I'm feeling pathetic while I'm at it. Because it's supposed to be easy, right? It's supposed to be a simple decision that's in your power to make, and yours alone.

"Please, stay." She begs me, and here comes that feeling again. "We can talk about it. About us. You don't have to leave like this."

I gently but firmly unhook her fingers from me, wrapping my hand on hers and holding it for a few seconds before I lift it up to my lips, putting a soft kiss on it.

"We'll talk, Lea." I say against her skin, and I can see the thin hairs on her arms standing at my touch. "Just not now. I can't."

I look up at her long enough to make her see, once again, that I mean what I say, and then I let her go.

And she does the same.

*****

"Sorry, mate. I didn't think you'd be back so soon."

Ed is sprawled across his couch, holding the controller, and screaming at his football players.

He didn't even flinch when I walked through his door ever so casually, let alone pressed pause on his game.

"No problem. There's pizza on the counter, if you want." He says, waving one hand in the air.

With a bottle of beer in one hand, a pizza slice on the other, and a second one between my teeth, I force him to scooch over so I can sit next to him.

"Thought you were in Iceland." I say, placing the bottle on the table and the pizza slices on his empty plate. "What happened."

He finally pauses the game, and with an awkward movement, he lifts up his foot, propping it on the table.

"Yeah... I had a little accident."

It is so heavily wrapped up in this weird, yellow stained bandages, I can't believe I didn't notice it before because it is, at least, twice as big as his other foot.

"Oh, my god!" I squirm, covering my mouth in shock and, to be quite honest, fairly disgusted. "What the hell is that!?"

"They told me not to get too close to it." He laughs and shrugs nonchalantly. "So I got real close to it, obviously."

"Obviously!"

He tells me about his accident, laughing about it, while I just try not to gag or pass out when he describes how the skin got peeled off completely from his foot.

"It was nasty!" He declares, and I nod my head in pure agreement. Suddenly, I am not that hungry anymore. "What about you? What's going on?"

I look at him and I sink further into the couch. The pizza may be out of the question, but I'm still holding on to the cold bottle.

I consider pouring my heart out and tell him everything that's been happening with me lately. But ever since I left her apartment, and all the way to London, I have been toying with this idea that now seems to be the perfect way for me to get my shit sorted.

I mean, is not like it came out of the blue. I have been planning on doing this before we even decided to take a break as a band, but I always thought I would do it a bit further down the line.

"I'm going to make an album. And I'm starting right now."